May 22, 2020

I feel like I'm starting to lose motivation now

I've been feeling kind of off these past few days. I'm easily irritated, easily pissed off, i hate being bossed around, i don't like hearing anything against me (even if it's just for fun) and everything's just goddamn annoying.

I thought, maybe my period's gonna come anytime soon, but I've waited enough and i could positively say that it ain't coming y'all so shut the hell up.

Anyway, i was really annoyed by anything or anyone, and I'm super lazy these days. I don't know if it's because my body hurts, or my mind's not into my physical fitness anymore. 

I want to be phyisically healthy and fit, i really do. I want to have a flexible back, i want to do the splits, i want to the tumblings, and i want to have strong arms and legs. But without commitment and dedication and discipline, all those things I've mentioned will only be a dream, a wish. That's why I've been pushing myself to workout and flex my body as much as possible. But it seems like I'm ready to give up?

Recently, my attention's turning to some new hobby, no, an old hobby that's being rekindled with fire -- drawing.

I am so hooked right now into ibispaintx or digital drawing. I've already done two arts y'all, and it's only a week, i guess.

But i realized, digital art is not as good necessary as traditional art. I'm such an idiot. The last thing i want to do is find a hobby that would bind me to any electronic gadget such as phones or laptops. But here i am now, addicted to phones, again.

Additionally, my mind's telling me to work on my writing and to finish my fanfic. Well, i really want to but something's forbidding me to do so. Writing, or being an author, takes a lot of effort, and it's very different from physical activities (of course). And i think if I'm gonna go back to writing, it'll be the only thing where i put my focus on.

Ughhh i don't know where this is going. 

The point is, I've lost my track, again. I'm not even filling up my bullet journal, what the heck. So now, i don't know what I'm gonna do. There's also this small idea of setting up a youtube channel, lol, that'd be a whole lotta work, and i don't know how to manage everything.

Damn, is managing my time gonna answer all these struggles in life? Nah, my problem is I'm losing motivation, not difficulty in my schedule. In fact, i ain't have a schedule to follow anymore. I just let things be which ends up me binge watching anime or being stuck on bed using my phone. 

Maybe tomorrow, I'm going to think about it, refresh my mind and reflect on what's happening in the past few days. I think becoming anxious of the future is one of the causes of this dilemma. But I should figure things out as soon as possible. I don't want to lose grip on exercising and stretching, but i also want to keep my artistic side as well.

That is all for today, i must sleep right after i write this. I don't know how to end this so here's one of my favorite lyrics of twenty one pilots:

"The sun will rise and we will try again."

Written by noeeelle

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Comments
JustMegawatt
Posted On May 23, 2020

It sounds like you are stretching yourself thin by going for multiple goals at once: daily bullet journaling, physical fitness, flexibility, digital art, becoming a writer, and even YouTuber. If you go for all of those at once as separate goals, then you will lose motivation as they sound separate and unrelated.

I would try unifying them in some way, such as going for those goals, and then writing down your experiences in your journal. For example let's say you worked on YouTube today, you could write about your entire experience about starting the channel, recording your first video, fears, worries, etc. It will be fun to look back on later if you ever become a hit. Other people too could enjoy reading your entries online, maybe your fans would really like hearing your beginner experiences. So by being motivated to do things just so you can write about them, you can have fun and make it a game to work on those separate things just to be able to share your experiences.

When I live my days such that I do things just so I can write about it later, it not only makes my day more enjoyable, but it also gives me some good things to write about.

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