Today is Sunday, May 6th 2021 and I went to the beaches here for the first time. I've lived here in Puerto Rico for a bit over 3 months, when people think of Puerto Rico they're probably thinking of the beaches here. When people heard that I moved here, they were telling me about how nice the beaches must be. This is my first time going there.
Anyway before all that though, in the morning, I woke up. I did "that" twice yesterday, and I was feeling turned on this morning too, so I did that again this morning. What a bad way to start the day. I felt too tired and not as motivated to do my normal strength workouts, so I only did 180 seconds of planking today and 30 push ups. I didn't even feel like doing the other exercises like another 180 crunches and 30 squats, which wouldn't have been much. I need to stop touching myself again.
Anyway I listened to Lulu's voice messages that she sent me last night, she is the 18 year old, 2 year vegan from Mexico, who's post I commented on yesterday in Spanish and she ended up sending me a friend request. We mainly chat so I could practice my Spanish and she could practice her English, not for a relationship or whatever. I replied in Spanish, but I spoke really slowly. After my reply that morning, she would send some voice replies a few hours later, but I wouldn't feel like opening, listening, and replying to them until later that night.
I told her in Spanish that I had no idea what I was going to do today. That it was the morning here, and that I had all the free time in the world, and was bored. In reality though I was feeling fatigued and unmotivated to do anything because I touched myself that morning, and it was pretty early in the morning so I had to live the entire rest of the day somehow.
What would I do? I was also feeling a bit depressed because Aloe deactivated her Facebook and therefore cut off contact from me. I wonder what's going on with her? I really do feel for her, like I'm getting all emotional just thinking about her because she told me her life circumstances, and here I am wanting to help out in any way I can, and she refuses to let me in. I don't get why not? She complained about only celebrating her birthday party with not that many people this year, and I gave her a hug for that and she was like "thank you", and she told me about some other of her personal issues as well. We hugged each other three times as she was dropping me off and it seemed like she was really happy I came into her life, but then afterwards we never hung out again, the first day was because she went to work at 9 AM and got off at 8 PM and was too tired to hang out. The second day she got into a car accident.
Anyway I really want to help out and support Aloe in whatever way I can. I want to be her best friend and everything, but I guess she doesn't feel the same about me. She's very independent and wants to accomplish things on her own. I don't get why she would complain about being lonely and shit then, but then I tell her I'm feeling the same way, and then I thought we could form something, and then she just goes away. I'm frustrated. I think I'm just a physically unattractive and undesirable male.
Anyway I put on some music and I just danced at home for a while. I was going to take a shower before going out, so I just danced naked in front of the new 70 inch mirror I bought and had a fun time. I just played "My Sweet Escape" by Gwen Stefani on repeat, and I sang and danced for like 20-30 minutes because it was fun. "If I could escape, and recreate a place as my own world", etc, I love those lyrics so much and the intonations and beat of the song. They're sooo good. It flows so well, it's a perfect song.
Anyway I took a shower and changed, and I got into my car. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I figured I'd just drive around to Best Buy using my memory of having been there a few times. I wanted to get a GPS and a Dash Cam, but on the drive I figured I could probably just get away with a car mount and just use my phone as the GPS. So anyway I'm going there and I'm on the highway, but I miss the exit to getting out, so then I had to find a parking spot to park and I use my phone to redirect me to how to get there again. At least I know which fork on the road to take now.
At the Best Buy, I park in a flooded parking spot, where when I stepped out, my sandals got soaked. So I go into Best Buy and the GPS' are $200 so I was like no thanks, and I buy this air vent mount for $20 instead, and I also buy a dash cam. The cheapest dash cam they had was $200, so that's what I had to pay. I go back into my car and I take the plastic off of the driver's seat, I place that on the carpet because my sandals were soaked. It takes me a few minutes to open up the packages and install them.
After that I had no idea where to go. I figured I'd drive around aimlessly for a while though, because I could always use the GPS to get back. I drive around aimlessly and eventually get bored, and set a destination to go to a beach here, Isla Verde. I've never been there before, so I set the GPS to go there. The hardest thing was finding a parking spot, because everything was filled up. I luckily eventually found an open parking spot, and so I parallel park there. It was so hard with this SUV, it feels much clunkier and less agile than a sedan and I feel like I would leave a giant dent if I hit anything, but I eventually got in. It was hard though. I need more practice.
I walk over to Isla Verde and it was a pretty nice beach. Awesome. I go there and I play in the water for a bit, I take some pictures. I go to that stream there in that first picture and walk through it. Apparently that's all sewer water going to the sea. I shouldn't have played in it. I sit down in the sand for a while, and take off my shirt. I lie down in the sand for a while and relax. And that was it. After that I went back, and drove back home.
At home I was so bored out of my mind, so I touched myself again. And I ended up eating a lot. I just ate and watched South Park in Spanish with Spanish subtitles so I could learn it. Then I open Lulu's messages and reply to them late at night.
I go to sleep a bit before 12 AM, although I was feeling very sleepy at around 10 PM. I should have just slept at 10 PM to be honest, I don't know what overcame me to stay up any later.
That was my whole day today.
@Miya-Miya Thanks for your detailed response, I would rate your English a 5 for sure. It is very good.
What personal issues do I have based on my writing? I would like to improve upon those.
I would like to reply to your other points but I am so sleepy... I will reply tomorrow first thing in the morning.
@JustMegawatt 7/10? Thanks, that's a good number for me. I'll try to be better.
So I guessed fine. maybe she was scared about being something more? I don't know her, but some people don't want to be in something serious (insecurities, bad experiences, etc).
I understand the good feeling of help someone else, but, I think in your case is something biggest and that can give you many complicate situations.
Changes can be good or bad, you know it so fine as me. If she have issues, traumas and problems, she need a change that allows her to be more happy (a good and healthy change).
"I did not enjoy the extra responsibility", this is interesting. Maybe you don't want a responsibility like have pets, but yes with humans. Trying to help someone who was damaged is a huge goal. But I understand, obviously a dog or a cat can't talk or understand our language, neither do the same things.
You're right. Isn't the same do something alone that enjoying that with someone who share the same enthusiastic interest.
"Thank you, I know I am not so horrible looking and that my personality is not asshole-lke either". I feel bad right now. It sounds bad although it wasn't my intention. I'm really sorry if you read it like something bad.
"I can solve many of my own problems" and "But when it comes to relationships, I am lacking", that's something important. Honestly, I don't think you're the problem. Maybe in the internet you can socialize better, I don't know, but my first impression of you wasn't "someone shy" or "someone that can't socialize". If you try to socialize and create a relationship with someone who needs to solve personal issues, obviously is something hard, and it probably doesn't works, but no because of you. Remember that, you're not "lacking" because of you, if you try to get closer with someone with insecurities and bad experiences is difficult.
"What personal issues do I have based on my writing? I would like to improve upon those". I respect you, and my answer too, so this isn't an attack.
I believe that "Insecurity", is you higher wall to jump. That connected with a low self-esteem. Being alone shows that deep and sensitive part of you, probably believing that you're not enough to have a couple or someone who loves you, feeling that's your fault, feeling guilty (I mean, your words give the impression, that you believe you cause your own loneliness in part ), that you're the problem. But isn't, as I said, I don't think you're the problem.
With a couple you can forget that, hear with love how someone loves you, enjoying many activities and feel how many fears disappear. But if that person goes away, everything will appear again "I'm unattractive" "I'm not enough" "I didn't enough to keep this important person in my life". If you get involved in a insane or unhealthy relation, maybe you will not be able to cut it because of your fear to the loneliness and the hope of "try again", "I need to give more of myself", "I need to try harder", "I feel bad but she is more important for me than myself".
I think you can understand the reality properly, but even with that your fear to be alone can make you do more, give a lot receiving just a bit. Probably you will think: "No, I can cut things if I need a better life. I'm not like that at all. I feel alone but not so far to be like that".
I need to ask, if isn't a problem. how long have you known her?.
I'm a bit worried about you. Don't you think you're so focused with the idea of "being with someone else" that you're idealizing her?.
I know, not my business. But, I care about you in some way. I checked any new entry of you, and my worries are bigger now.
"She explained why she de-activated her Facebook and other social media accounts, that they were distractions taking away from the real world from her and draining her attention and energy". It's understandable that someone de-active their social accounts, but, without trying to be bad. Why she didn't write you before that?
If you care so much about someone, you will write a message explaining that and how to keep the contact. If she really cares about you, why she just dissapeared?
I think it's better for me be away for a while. You falled in love, and I'm not so sure she is so good for you. I hope I just get a bad impression and be wrong, but I have a bad feeling. I believe you will give everything from you to her, time will pass, and the things will become difficult.
Some people could say "You're jealous", but I know you're not like that. I'm just worried. My words and questions are in that way.
"Ámate a ti mismo, antes de amar a alguien más" -> "Love yourself, before love someone else"
I'll keep the distance with this, not my business. I said what I think, but I don't want to be unrespectful or something else.
@Miya-Miya no, you are correct. I am idealizing her. I find your advice and insights to be healthy, you can keep commenting and criticizing, i am okay with it. I am never unhappy about any criticism since I can always learn from them.
You are correct but I find myself so attached. I have known her for less than one month 😂
I met her one time only for a few hours. But yeah I fell in love and became attached. She obviously does not feel the same way or else she would have messaged me before closing her account.
I think she thinks I'm also stupid and just another distraction to her too. But okay, I will stop trying to think of her and move on. If she contacts me again and invites me somewhere, great. If not, I'm fine.
Thanks for the advice and insights. They are great.
@Miya-Miya how we met https://ayearago.today/journals/5424/went-on-a-date/
@JustMegawatt "I am never unhappy about any criticism since I can always learn from them" This predisposition to hear and consider another perspective is a good sign.
"no, you are correct. I am idealizing her" and"You are correct but I find myself so attached. I have known her for less than one month".
Honestly and respectfully, I think you're idealizing her because you're alone. You're loving that beautiful imagination, a wonderful dream, not her. Maybe she has some good things, or you like some things. But in a month, is really hard to know so much from someone in a little time. Love the idealization is a problem for you, if you find something bad/nasty/disgusting or you feel deception, it will hit you really hard, crushing the dream and making you know the reality. Even if isn't she, someone else, focus on "what you really know", "how long you known her", "how many bad things/defects you know about her", "what actions did she take to get closer to you", "Is she trying to be with you?". Those questions can help you to know if it's a good idea to start something, if someone is trying to get close to you is a good sign, but analyze her too: her actions, personality, defects, personal issues, virtues, and above all "Why is she doing this?"
"I think she thinks I'm also stupid and just another distraction to her too" That sounds really hard...
"But okay, I will stop trying to think of her and move on. If she contacts me again and invites me somewhere, great. If not, I'm fine.". It's more easy say it than believe it or do it. I'm quite sure this is hard for you, but you're taking the best decision for yourself. This isn't your last chance, and seriously, believe more in yourself. I'm 100% you will find a good person who will love you, and even with many difficult situations, both will be really happy, growing up together.
@JustMegawatt I'll read it now to have a better perspective before just talk.
@Miya-Miya Thanks for the positivity and support. I really enjoy your comments and insight, you are correct on many points.
"It's more easy say it than believe it or do it. I'm quite sure this is hard for you, but you're taking the best decision for yourself. This isn't your last chance, and seriously, believe more in yourself. I'm 100% you will find a good person who will love you, and even with many difficult situations, both will be really happy, growing up together."
🙏 😭 🙏 🙏🙏
@JustMegawatt You will be fine, "future" means "many years", you have a lot of opportunities to meet someone wonderful. Look for someone so good as you, so, first remember how much good you're and your potential.
"I really enjoy your comments and insight" I'm glad to help you in some way, you're in a hard moment of your life. You deserve all the support and positivity. ^^
@Miya-Miya I had to delete any mentions of her name here, so I deleted one of your comments. Please don't mention her again, she asked not to be named. I will call her a nickname though, Aloe.
@JustMegawatt I understand. I like the fact of how respectful you are.
I thought it was a nickname, I never suspected it was her real name.
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