Anger

Anger is such a strange emotion for me. It is like fire in its essence, it burns and feels destructive and dangerous. I am not too familiar with fire. I like the sound of wood crackling, tiny whooshes and all, it is hypnotizing to look at but I never identified with its nature. Quite the opposite. Even when you look at my birth chart I'm all air and earth and water, at times fickle like the wind (hearing the wind blow is my favorite sound), sturdy like earth (I decompose the dead and create new life) and fluent like water, although water mostly just muddies the waters and dampens the air. But fire never felt like my nature at all. It didn't belong to me. It is what I convinced myself - so that when I feel anger it will not feel like something that's mine. So that it's easy to push it aside.

I kept it at bay my whole life. I was not to be destructive, no one is ever to say a bad word about me. I wanted everyone to feel gentleness and something akin to love when I cross their mind. I never do anything bad. I always take others' feelings into consideration. I am so tender and loving. I became so sensitive to other people's feelings that it became unclear what mine are. Only one priority remained and that was to be Good.

Once it became too depressing to only follow other people's feelings, to never have desires of my own - I dared open the door I never opened. Behind it rushed and swirled unclear, aggressive, dangerous feelings of anger, of disappointment and betrayal. None of them I let out. I always justified everyone's actions - no one meant any harm. There was an explanation for every pain I felt. And each and every one of those pains ended up locked behind these doors, violent and scathing.

The cracking open of that door happened more than five years ago, I remember being shocked, but somehow relieved, that I have that anger - that fire is an element also available to me, to be felt and lived through and out. It felt powerful.

I started to understand that feeling powerful doesn't have to have anything to do with being aggressive. It had to do with the power to defend yourself, to defend your borders. I started feeling like a dog that barks any time it senses the arrival of anyone ready to take me for granted. You will think twice before you approach me again. I am not at your disposal to offer sympathy, pity or any sort of compassion just because you asked for it and you want your needs to be met by whomever. And I am definitely not yours to play with. My gentleness and compassion are to be respected as a sign of strength they are. I won't waste them away so recklessly.

Today I started having weird sensations in my body. I never felt them before, it's as if my skin is sensitive in such a way that whenever something touches my back it feels like my naked muscles are being touched. It feels raw and sensitive.

And today I managed to get into a fight with my girlfriend. I hate it when we fight, it's so annoying and uncomfortable. But so much anger started seeping out of me. It's really no surprise. I am witness, after all, to everything that happens within me. I am starting to believe that we actually do know everything there is to know about ourselves - about our actions, feelings, thoughts, behaviors. Even when we feel the foggiest, the most confused, deep down we know. So yes, I was aware of all the bitterness after each fight I had with her, of all the hurts that remained unresolved, everything that I tried to cover over. I tried to convince myself, and I knew it would fail because in my bones I never believed it, that I was trying to be mature and forget about past fights. Saying to myself - keep your focus on the important stuff, on the love you feel. No. Anger is not meaningless. Some feelings just need to be followed through, they need to be expressed, one way or another.

It came to me while I was writing that my body actually sort of might feel like it has burns - like it's been through fire. I've never had severe burns so I don't know, but I imagine the feeling as a similar kind of rawness.

I am full of anger. So much of it that I am legitimately terrified. I feel like all of my relationships are at risk, every aspect of this persona I've created is at risk. I wonder if there will be anything left after the fire is done with its cleansing? Will there be anything to call my own? Any virtue, any skill, any friend, any desire, anything I ever cultivated? It feels like I won't care about anything once it's done - either because I won't be able to, or because there will be nothing to care for. I am afraid, but deep down I long for freedom.