Therapy

I was in therapy today. I don't go frequently, I go whenever I feel like I need to, like when there's something to untangle or simply talk about. But this time I let a lot of stuff pile up, so I went twice. Today was the second time.

The reason I felt like I needed to go was because I was dealing with reoccurring depressive episodes. They just wouldn't go away I felt like. And I was frustrated because I had stuff to do, places to go, expectations to meet and this lack of energy just wouldn't do. I went because I was sick of the feeling, same old feeling of deadness and anxiety at the same time.

She told me, Okay. Try to connect with that feeling: you're alone, you don't feel like doing anything, you have no energy. What is happening?

I stare at my palm, tracing the life line, love line, I don't really know which one is which and I want to cry. I say that - I feel like crying. What else?

I hear the response in my head, as it often happens when I am emotional and quiet like this. I say what I hear - I don't want to strive anymore. What do you mean, she asks.

And then it all overwhelms me. I don't want to keep striving to be better. I don't want to strive to deserve everything and everyone I've been given in this life. I want to stop trying. I just want to be. I want to stop feeling like I have to become better than I am so that I am deserving. I am pissed off. I feel so much anger at every person in my life that ever made me feel like this. I just want to stop. I found myself saying that I want to feel enough. That I am enough.

I have so much resistance to that sentence, seeing as it became such a cliche in the self-help culture. I hate that it is thrown around so much that it loses its meaning. Having this experience where I say it and it is so meaningful to me is really precious and sort of humbling. It's the simple truths that are always the most effective, the simple wishes and desires. Desire to be loved, desire to belong, desire to fulfill your potential, to feel your inner power. Every time a person, in this case me, tries to complicate it, thinking that complicating it elevates it, it becomes messy and tangly and confusing. Everyone really feels similar. Everyone has similar battles, human battles.

Today I touched that feeling, the despair and rebellion as a reaction to it, that are the result of trying to fulfill other people's expectations. I don't feel like I care anymore. I am sick of not feeling enough. It is humiliating, it is disgusting, it is a feeling of powerlessness, of wickedness, of insanity. I am not insane. I finally say this firmly. I am not crazy. I am angry that I can't express anger without being viewed as unstable. I am angry that I feel unheard. I feel like I want to scream even louder so that people can hear me. I feel like I deserve to be heard, by people I care about and people who claim to care about me. I know they do care, because I feel it. I just need this space where my anger and all of my feelings can exist. And I am going to give it to myself.

I don't want to ever ask anyone else for a confirmation of my value. This is something I will give myself. Ironically, I trust my opinion. Deep down I actually trust myself, I believe I am very perceptive and sensitive and smart. I don't ever want to feel sorry for myself. I can rely on what I feel, see, on my thoughts and actions. As long as the actions are done in my benefit.

My whole motivation has been misplaced for a very long time. I vow to myself, that I will do whatever I do, regarding work especially, for myself. Because I want to. I will work on my skillset because it benefits me, and because I enjoy it. I will give myself confirmation and validation because I am more than capable for it. I will not wait for other people to determine my value, and give such weight to their words.

I feel like I am finally starting to feel myself, to know who I am. This is very new to me. I feel strong. And I thank my depression, for not letting me succumb, for not letting me lose myself. It is my first, most important value - being true to myself.

Now, let's go back to the real world, and see how life goes.