I am an expert self-manipulator, perhaps this will help me with accountability.

tag: Mental health

I am a master of talking myself into spending money on new things for new hobbies. I am also a master of talking myself out of sticking to those things. I am scarily good at it. My husband calls these "shiny new" phases. Something piques my interest and I must immediately immerse myself into it, collect all the things to start up and become an expert in whatever it is, fast. Shortly thereafter, those things end up in a pile or a box, shoved into a corner of my house not to be seen again until I get bored and go rummaging in my collection of failures. I have always been this way. As a child it was any sport in school, cheerleading, fundraising. As an adult it's been plant collecting, gardening, polymer clay art, drawing, journaling, digital art, video games, health/fitness, and more. All failures because I couldn't stick with them. I've even tried self-reward based systems but I just reward myself anyways. I do not know why I am this way.

I am borderline-hoarder status. I can't stand the thought of the money I spent going to waste. Even as I sit here typing this out, my desk is covered in out-of-place objects that I haven't shoved into a hidden corner yet. A "plant mom" wooden sign (All my plants died because I neglected them...one of the husks of a philodendron is on my desk too), a small crystal from when I was collecting those, most of the others were sold or broken and thrown away. A jar candle with no wick left to burn filled with dried up markers from when I was coloring to "de-stress" four or more years ago. A pack of Nicorette gum from when I tried to quit vaping (and failed...surprise!), various body sprays and lotions that I don't use other than once in a blue moon. Mail and bills, some opened and some not, from yesterday all the way back to several months ago are scattered all behind my keyboard. The midweek shopping ads are piled up on my bottom shelf. I don't shop like a normal person for groceries, though I wish I could get the motivation to do so because it would save me money. That's just in my immediate area, there's more crap behind me.

I am a master at spending money on tangible, temporary entertainment or fulfillment. When it comes to necessities though like clothing that fits well, shoes, home essentials and healthy choices for food and groceries...I balk every time and wait until the absolute last minute to purchase these things or I never do. It's maddening. I just talked about wanting to save money on groceries and here I am door-dashing fast food every other night for dinner because I don't want to cook and have dirty dishes to wash. This is an endless, unsustainable cycle. The more I spend on delivery services, the less I have to buy regular groceries. On the flipside though, when I buy groceries a lot of it ends up going bad because I don't make it in time...because I am frustratingly lazy.

Each night I lay down and think to myself...

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I will be better. Tomorrow I am going to clean the house.

Tomorrow I am going to do the dishes...Clean the stove

Clean the rotten food out of the refrigerator

Fix the cupboard door that's hanging off on one hinge

I will cook dinner tomorrow

I am going to do some stretches tomorrow

I will go for a walk

Vacuum the carpets

Clean the litter box

Drink some water

I do this every

single

night.

I have been doing this for years. I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me but somehow I can manage to pay bills and go to work, and that's been enough to get me by and keep a roof over my head. I am anxious in public and though I know I should not care what people think of me, I judge myself enough for everyone anyways. I know the medical system in the USA is horrendous and I have heard so many horror stories that it's not worth it to me. What's wrong exactly, that I don't know. Whatever it is though isn't enough to prevent me from running the corporate hamster mill so I sincerely doubt any nearby medical professional would help, assuming I could afford it. I also refuse to seek any medical care because I know I will end up in collections because America runs on corporate greed & the almighty dollar and I hate that I contribute to it as it is.

That was a lot more than I intended to type for the day but it was cathartic in a way. Anyways, I have to keep running in the hamster mill and get back to work.

Tomorrow I am going to journal again.