tag: Mental health
October is my favorite month, though I may be a wee bit biased as it's my birthday month. I was born close to Halloween but not close enough to be a cool Halloween baby. With each year, I get a little older and a little fatter (I am trying really hard to prevent the last one this year), I wonder which of the universe's hitmen is going to be the one to take me out. Will it be a heart attack? Maybe I won't make it that far and I'll get snuffed out in a car accident or a motorcycle accident...I did get my motorcycle endorsement this past July.
It's a spiral I go through pretty religiously around my birthday. I know and understand that no one lives forever. All things must come to an end, and that includes you and me. After I stew on how I'm going to die, I move onto wondering if I will ever accomplish anything of meaning. I don't have anything to contribute that says "Hey, I was here". It's funny because when I was looking at colleges to attend after graduation...I was highly interested in mortuary science and becoming a mortician. I figured, they make decent money and there's never a shortage of death, it would be perfect. If I had the opportunity and the money I would still do that now. Despite being afraid of dying, I am fascinated with the concept of it. It blows my mind that you can just be walking outside minding your own business and have a sign fall and crush you. That's it. Done. Dead. Gone in the blink of an eye.
From there I move onto thinking how screwed my husband would be if something happened to me. I manage the household entirely. Groceries, bills, bank accounts, taxes, credit cards, everything. I suck at it, but we have managed to live 10 years together without having a utility shut off and with having a roof over our heads and food in the kitchen (somehow). He is an amazing husband and I love him dearly, I don't mind doing all these things, but I have no idea how he will manage in the event I die before he does. As horrible as it sounds, I hope he goes first so he doesn't have to deal with the stress. I can't help but wonder if other people think like me.
You must be signed in to post a comment!