As a youth, continued

It’s almost 4am. I can’t sleep so I’ll document some more of my screwed up childhood.

As I’ve said before, my youth wasn’t the worst but it definitely wasn’t the best either. I dare say my mother loved the attention she got when she went out to bars more than me. When she was home she was in bed and always had a headache which I now know were hangovers. Bud light was her beer of choice and country music was what she belted off on karaoke nights. She loved the bars so much she would bring me with her as a baby and leave me strapped into the car seat when she couldn’t find a sitter. And yes, she would drink and drive with me.

When I turned 10 she decided I was responsible enough to babysit two small children for her and her best friend so they could paint the town red together. They would always promise they would be back by 10am, but they were never back that early. This was almost every weekend. There were so many nights when 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am would come and go. I would be up bawling as the sun started to come up, sitting on the floor by the front door at her friends house because I just knew that was the night they weren’t back yet because they crashed and died. I had to be by the door for when the police showed up. Spoiler, she didn’t die. I didn’t know at the time, but the bars closed at 2am so I have no idea what she was doing at out so late/early. The only logical thing I can think of is she was having an affair, which also wouldn’t surprise me because there were a few of those I did actually know about.

One of those nights I mentioned was really scary for me. They’d stayed out so late the sky was starting to get brighter and birds were chirping. I’d fallen asleep on the couch and when I woke up I noticed that her friend was home and back in her bedroom sleeping with some boy toy she brought home from the bar but obviously I was still there. Mom hadn’t picked me up. I panicked and didn’t know where she was so I ran into “Tina’s” room (name changed) and woke her up. I was quietly crying and asked her where mom was and if she was ok. She said that she would be there soon to get me and to go back to sleep. Yeah right, easier said than done. But she was telling the truth.

A little while later mom came stumbling through the front door, rushing me to grab my things and get in the car. I didn’t have anything to grab, I never did when I babysat for them. “Tina” lived in a multiple story housing unit on the top floor and the stairs were the only way up and down, I thought for sure my mother was going to pass out each time we hit a landing on our way out but somehow she made it. She was an expert at this sort of thing but she was still wasted and had absolutely no business driving at all let alone with a kid in the car. Once we were in the car she told me to buckle up (I was already buckled in) and off we went. She swerved for the duration of what I can remember, nodding out at the wheel every couple of minutes. I tried to keep her awake, turning up the music, rolling the windows down, talking to her, and it worked for a little bit.

We were about halfway home when I failed and she swerved off the side of the road, hitting the curb and getting a flat. The adrenaline woke up her that time. I can remember her freaking out that my step dad was going to be livid about the car and damage and telling me to lie and say she swerved to avoid a deer if step daddy asked me what happened. I don’t remember how we got home after that.

I think 2023 will make 10 years since I last talked to her. I have no intention of speaking to her again after everything that’s happened and I feel liberated in a way for it. I don’t have a normal family or support system like normal people do. What I do have, is an amazing husband and an awesome best friend that don’t judge me for my past. They’ve helped me be a better person and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.