Dec. 23, 2022

Finding freedom in the bondage of physical injury

There was a time when I was a brilliant software engineer. It was my pride. My obsession. I didn't care about money or approval, I just wanted to spend all day mastering my craft. Nerdy long before it was cool.

But when I broke my wrist 3 years ago, I got some nerve damage which is getting worse over time. Now... even typing this, I feel the pain building. Like a big black cloud, threatening to swallow me. I can only do it in short bursts. My days working indoors at a desk are long gone, mere memories that taunt me.

And when that happens, I have no choice but to stop. Think. And decide whether to stare into the bleak hopeless future, or come back to the present.

Every dream I once had, all my goals, stolen from me. And starting today I will engineer my way out of it.

But I can still follow my breath. I can still think.

And I can decide to not be bothered by it. I can decide to let go of that life, and embrace a different one. Reframing a loss of one thing as the gain of another thing. When, during the busy past, did I ever feel freed to just stop and do nothing?

In chess, often there are times when you can't see the exact path to victory, so instead all you can do is reposition. Move a knight out of the corner where it might be constricted. Move the king where he might be better defended. Prepare for whatever happens, and wait for an opportunity to arise. That's where I am now. Fixing my habits. Eating better. Sleeping better. Getting more social.

Worrying about the things beyond my control is counter-productive.

Written by Aaronica

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