Fweedom

I used to smoke a lot of weed. There was that period when I had access to it and I really didn't care about having control. It provided relief for me, something akin to creativity but not really. It gave me a sense of possibility, but whenever I woke up from it, there was more emptiness. I felt creative, but I did not act creatively. That was the key difference.

So, now I rarely do it. I remember feeling then like I am disappearing, that's how it felt, too much relief and you become relieved of everything, you start becoming a ghost. You are not phased by anything, nothing concerns you. I remember I used to get so euphoric about abstractions, thought processes, like, wow, let's try to think in the most interesting ways and I felt excited, I felt alive, I felt something that was positive. But it really secluded me from my life that was happening, or not happening. It needed saving, and tons of work. This was easier. Having a sense of possibility and magnitude through thought, not action.

So anyway, my logic was, and still is: okay, I will not jeopardize my life, my brain doing this thing. I do not want to feel selfish, like I am the only thing in the world that exists. Me and my abstractions. I made a pact with myself to do it only when in company, like when someone provides it at a party or something. I must not buy it myself, because then I didn't have the confidence in myself not to let the buying get out of control. So I didn't ask around, didn't do anything. Wow, you want to give me some? How gracious of you, of course. And with this philosophy of not buying, but like, letting the universe work it into my possession (it happened on the rarest occasions, once a year maybe, that someone gives it to me randomly), I managed to actually feel gratitude. Like wow, how lucky I am! And the vibe with which I used that gift was whole 'nother story, I did it with grateful gusto. And I liked that. I keep rediscovering how important a part of life gratitude is.

I am of the opinion that weed can be used as medicine. Where I am from, it is not legalized. And I wished it was, because it would be kinda demystified, I think. I don't really know what to think though, regarding that issue. But I do know that it helped me. If you take too much of any medicine, it can be poison, so there's the golden rule of not doing too much of anything, eating too much, drinking too much, working too much, sleeping too much. And it did help me. It helps me get that sense of possibility when I feel stuck. And I tend to feel stuck often. It's my own personal battle, to keep getting unstuck, to keep that faith that this is not how things are, it must be better, something else must be possible. And then when I smoke I get a glimpse of that feeling of possibility and I can feel myself being nudged toward getting unstuck, it's a little movement toward the feeling of freedom. And I used to think a lot about freedom, it was a very important idea and feeling for me. I must rethink it, I feel.

Freedom is, I guess, feeling free to act as you want. Freedom is seeing the choices, and being able to pick.

So I guess, there is the freedom of mind first, to see the choices. Training your mind to be open so it is able to see all the possibilities. And then there is the freedom of will — you get to act as you want, as the person you choose to be. Freedom is having the idea of everything you can be, then choosing who you want to be, and then using your free will to behave like a person you chose to become. Because who you want to be is who you really are? The rest is just upbringing, education, society, family. I guess.

I'm craving some weed again now, since the New Year. I guess I am craving a feeling of a new beginning, new possibilities. And in every craving there is the risk to get stuck in the freedom of thought, without getting to the action, because it feels good. Ultimately, it doesn't feel good to have your mind and feelings and actions be in discord. So I guess, the solution must be something different. How do I get this feeling of freedom, without relying only on the freedom of thought? How do I get to feel motivated, how do I get to feel the sense of possibility without weed?

I kinda feel like a baby getting off milk. You know? Or maybe more like a kid walking without its hand being held or something. But it makes me feel nice, actually. I love weed, still. It's fun. But I don't want to rely on it to feel something so important to me. I must be able to find it on my own.