May 29, 2020

Thoughts about recent failures and annoyances

Again I don't really know how to start this. I will just say that this week has been chaotic and my motivation has been unpredictable. I think my biggest thing is that I am wasting precious hours to escape my surroundings. I just don't feel fulfilled enough by things in the real world, so i escape in my mind to go to my desired happy place. Things never seem to improve.. its as if i can never change some things about myself. For example.. Its like i am not compatible with some people or something. Whenever i attempt to interact with them.. i get increasingly anxious and ... anyways, I don't wanna complain. I spend enough time doing that.. its a sign of weakness and not really all that productive is it?

Lets just focus on what i can do right now. Under these circumstance and given all my weaknesses and shortcomings.. what would produce the best end states desirable. This is the way i should be thinking.. from a military standpoint. For example today.. i wanted to run an additional light run.. but due to circumstances this became not possible. I could have just escaped to my happy place.. but i decided to make the best out of a bad situation and did the rest of my goals. Including writing this journal. I am kind of happy i did this..

One thing that i have figured out the past couple of weeks is that you learn the most from the things you fail at doing. Today's failure to run.. what caused it?.. partly this was due to over doing exercise... I have barely just found a routine that works for me and I went a step too far and overreached past my capabilities. It took too much energy from me and led to me just coming home. I think my reason for overreaching is because i desperately need a way to train upper body as I can't even do a single pull up.. I feel like the quicker i change this.. the more physically capable i will be. Pherhaps I don't need it right now.. but i feel like unless i take drastic measures... my future situation will lead to more suffering. Now that i think about it ... i can probably survive right now without being able to do it.. the circumstances currently are not exactly ideal for fitness.. and its not for a lack of trying like before. I think i need to step back and see what i was able to accomplish so far as I am making an effort at my part.

Finally with regards to unpredictable moods.. some things to say about that which i may not be taking so seriously is that my sleep is not regular at all.. and i am drinking an excess of coffee. Also i am letting people influence my behavior too much.

It has always been hard for me to sleep regularly... only in the army when i was being overworked did this go away.. It just takes a lot of energy to actively try to sleep a certain time... and I am not convinced that it is necessary right now.. when all i am doing is sitting at home. I know its short sighted... its just I dont really know the kind of mentality i need to fix it.. like with exercise its .. I have to do it so it has to get done otherwise i will get wrecked.. but with sleep .. i will only suffer maybe 1 or 2 days when i get back then i will be forced to readjust... It just doesn't register as a major concern right now.. so unless I can generate some internal motivation to do it.. i dont think it will be possible to change this.. Maybe a good step in the right direction here is to make a new daily limiting my caffeine intake ... but anyways..

Its really easy to let people effect you.. like i feel i have to actively defend myself against people's influence and their agendas. Its especially easy when i am in a energy depleted state or am being stressed by something else.. I again just dont know the correct mentality to ward myself from this... I just watched a video and the girl in it talked about taking ownership of your thoughts and feelings and how you have to bite the bullet and say that your feelings and emotions are caused by you and not someone else.. its just... not the case though.. lets take someone that annoys you.. they are actively depleting energy from you when they are in your presence... and the only way to get them to stop it is by getting angry and lashing out.. is there any other solution then? besides letting them deplete my energy... the only one i can think of it not have them be in your presence... to use retreat tactics when your in their presence... like for when the cat was meowing constantly and you started screaming at it... you could have went outside of the house... this strategy works but only in some cases... ignoring them or trying to distract yourself from them is another but also depletes some energy... maybe try to distract them from doing what they are doing.. how? anyways im starting to get tired of writing so this will be all i have to say for this now.

Written by AlhutheRestless

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