Day recording

So, I've been ill for the past few days, and I've been home, which means that I am left to my own devices when it comes to how I spend my time. It's interesting that now it sounds to me like I completely don't have trust in myself when it comes to the "smart" and "useful" ways I spend my time, I feel like I need to be under supervision and a part of me behaves like this, like it is in the role of a supervisor.

A while ago, when I was starting to introduce some kind of routine, or more like explorations of routines into my daily life, I felt like I needed help, meaning, it will not be enough for me to just do a thing and be like okay, I did a thing, I needed to write it down somewhere that I did it, I needed visible ways to keep track of my habits in order to see how I am doing with implementing them. So far I have relied heavily on apps. And I get it, they are fun, I've been doing Habitica, I've been doing Forest for my pomodoro timing and to keep track of how I spend my time, but I have to admit, I came to a point where I felt like I was doing stuff only so I can check it off on Habitica or only because it would give me satisfaction to see how many trees I have in my virtual garden. And it is pretty satisfactory, I must say. But then, I got sick, and this is the second time this has happened to me - I don't feel like I want to keep track of my time anymore. And it has helped me now as it did before, not keeping track of time, not pulling out the phone to record every step I make, it left me feeling unburdened. It's not an easy feeling having someone constantly watch over you and comment and compare how productive you are versus how productive you were or how productive you can be. It is exhausting. And I feel like, when you are only starting to implement some new habits in your daily life, it is convenient to have an app or a journal or any other means by which to keep track of your habit implementation. It's fun, it's convenient, and you can see clearly what you've done and what you can do better.

But after some time, I've been experimenting for almost three years with implementing new habits, and I can tell that I think I should make a decision to uninstall all the apps I've been using to keep track of my habits. It would be actually a very big step for me, seeing as I've been using them for years now, and I got used to them. I also feel like I would feel more free. Which is ironic. I grew very fond of these apps, and I almost feel like my phone is wrong to exist without them. But I know I can do it, and I know that I will enjoy everything I do more than I do when I do them only to check something off in an app. I will have to start doing things because I want to do them, because I got used to doing them, not because I will not do as well in the game if I don't. I feel like my habits need to feel directly about me, and not something I do to be better in a game.

I don't know if I am coherent enough. I haven't written anything in a while. I wonder what it would feel like to have no idea how much time I spend on anything. It was a nice technique when my day was completely unstructured and I had all the freedom in the world to make up a routine, though I didn't have discipline, I was building it. And the apps helped me with that.

I feel like this is a necessary step, and it seems I will do it right now. I will not record my time doing stuff, like reading, studying Spanish, drawing, cleaning and cooking, writing, journaling, whatever it is. I will just have to do it or not do it. I feel oddly nervous about this, like it would be a shame not to have all this productive time recorded, like it would be a shame not having an information about how I spend my time, how much time I spent doing this or that. Well, we will see. I will have to try this. It should be possible to go on living a normal life without these apps. It's funny how insecure I feel, like I am losing something so important.

Anyway.

Wasn't expecting to feel so weird about it. Looking forward to having my phone's battery last longer and to not have to look at my phone as much as I actually do, just so that I can record everything.