I am back to write again. So I will discuss what has happened this week. Some of the good things... I have broken several records in terms of my fitness.. in running and also pushups. I can now run for 28 minutes! and also did upwards of 40 push-ups. I have also started learning some french... and am in the process of making it work in my schedule. The trouble is I am feeling worn down and so tired. Like.. I don't know how long i can keep this up.. I am just going day by day.. I feel like one of these days .. I will just collapse. Even now .. i want to take a nap.. even though its ..
I actually fell asleep for a couple of hours mid-sentence of the above. I think I need to re-evaluate my own capabilities. Its good to be making some progress but if its not sustainable.. then what has all of this been for. The whole purpose of doing Habitica for me was to take sustainable baby steps towards improving myself that i can do indefinitely no matter what happens. Now i have ..9 dailies on top of my normal list of tasks to do. At this point It is becoming overwhelming. The bottom line is .. I need an enemy I can defeat. For this reason, Im going to not do the monthly challenge. I think its important to temper my ambition.. like even now... i wanna add another daily related to reading.. but actually its better off being something i can do without the pressure of a deadline. If I push too hard, I am just setting my self up to fail as i will break.
My habits arent working well.. they are too vague.. or not something i have a lot of control over.. like "dont complain". I try not to .. but there are isolated times when it happens anyways.. usually when i am in a bad mood and other people's behavior start to effect my own. I just can't help it sometimes.. I don't know what to do about this right now besides not being around people. I am just.. poor at interacting with others sometimes.. especially when i am in a tired state.
I have to stop writing soon .. as I am being called... but I want to end this off by talking about.. some destructive tendencies.. like I feel like I am doing my best to better myself.. but i am also actively trying to ruin whatever efforts I take. for example ... despite my workouts and running.. I will eat like crazy as soon as I get home. I am actually gaining weight right now. I am not sure what to make of this currently.
I also find myself getting really lonely after I finish what I plan to do... and it feels like i am trapped sometimes in my home. I know its covid.. but even before this i had these issues... i naturally self isolate... its not just the virus. I dont know how to talk with people to make them understand how painful this is. I want to be around people but .. its so draining to be around the wrong type of people.. and I don't know how to avoid them to dig myself out of this position. Anyways.. i guess this is a venting journal this week.. lots of complaining but little in the way of solutions : D... :( ... Still a anxious loner..but I am still proud of myself for continuing this far. Anyways.. these are uncertain times... I am just trying to make some good out of the situation.
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