Being alone is hard

My grandfather was afraid of being alone. That's one thing I remember clearly about him. He was a strong man, intelligent and sound of mind. He always seemed unflappable to me, but that's because he always had someone with him. His third wife, Sydney, never sat right with me..she seemed selfish, strangely distant and somehow "too good" for us, but then she was the only person I'd ever known as his wife. Before her, my real grandmother died of cancer, and my second grandmother, Anna, died in a strange kitchen accident. Grandpa always loved the women in his life, but fate seemed determined to take them before their time. The one he was left with was a cold opportunistic woman who was thrice removed from any feeling of family, and yet he loved her and always smiled.

There is something about having a partner that sets the troubles of your life in a different light. They may stress you out, and they may hurt, but that hurt never gets too deep when you have someone there to help you through it.

I knew early on that I was like my grandfather. My partner gave me strength, purpose and confidence. I wanted to be a source of joy and warmth, the way he was, and for a time I felt that I was able to be just that. However, as my partner grew slowly more distant, and the support I relied on became more and more intangible, I stumbled and fell from that warm place I always wanted to inhabit. Now that nobody is here, not even the false support that I had managed to cling to, I am lost and awash in the cold depths of my daily failings. Money. Creativity. Happiness. It's all gone. I know it's out there somewhere, and I know I can be the source if I just found that little light I once used to ignite the fires... but I am lost.

Where do I go when all the lights are out? What do I do when there is nobody to act on behalf of?

I live, now, only to maintain my household and keep my beloved animals comfortable. Once they are gone, is there really anything left for me here?

The expanse of life is too terrifying without someone to help me navigate.