Keeping your head above water

Still exhausted every day. Hoping that will turn around once I am actually living in my new apartment. I think life can relax a bit once bf is home. He is quite possibly the sweetest person I have ever met. I mentioned to him that I had been feeling burnt out and he wanted to do something about it even though he is so far away. So he booked me a spa day at a new spa near my house. A day just for me to hang out and do nothing and get a massage sounds absolutely amazing.

I have a lot of work to do but none of the motivation to do it. bf is always so motivated to do everything, he is always planning the next stages of his life and side jobs and career planning and I can't even find it in me to do well at the career that I have. I don't even find the time or energy to do the things that I love anymore. I haven't gotten back into horse back riding like I said I would. I had been reading a lot again but I find myself just wanting to mindlessly play video games so that I don't have to think. I know that I shouldn't be hard on myself about these things but I am. My body does work differently than other people and I do get more tired more quickly than others but that doesn't make it feel any better when I feel like I am unable to keep up with my peers.

It is hard to describe the way that I am tired. When I am as tired as I am my eyes begin to swim, they behave as if I am in a kayak or a canoe getting rocked by massive waves. It takes the inability to see straight to another level. It is dizzying and terrifying and happens most often when I am driving which is even worse. It also starts to happen closer to the end of they day at work, and by closer to the end of the day I mean around 2 o'clock. It is all consuming and I get to the point where all I can think about is how tired I am and can no longer function or think about anything pertaining to my work. But my brain is also so slow to get going that I don't start actually getting work done until about noon....

Really hoping that once I get into a regular routine and get back to going to the gym this will all work itself out. BF is so understanding of it all and says he is just excited to come home and take care of me. Which is really really sweet of him but I feel like being taken care of makes me anxious because I feel like I should be able to do these things by and for myself. But it is really nice as a person who is chronically ill to have a partner who is so understanding and helpful and really wants to put in the work to make life easier for me.