I have honestly been struggling to journal today. For one, I keep getting dragged away by work things and by the time I come back to it I have changed what I want to say. And I have just had a lot of feelings lately that I am just struggling to put into words.
I broke down in tears last night from the stress of everything happening around me. I am trying to clean the house for when BF gets home which is stressful as I don't think I am going to get a lot of help with. My parents have been fighting constantly and everyone around me just always seems to be in a bad mood. Work is stressful but I think I put more stress on myself about work than I should. Everything at work always seems to work out fine in the end. Knowing that doesn't stop me from stressing about things going wrong though.
I also just feel that my life has changed so much in the past few years, with the end of friendships I thought would be forever, relationships that just weren't right at all and really hurt me in the end. My last relationship was abusive and left me with scars I didn't know I had. I find myself panicking a little when BF is nice to me. I love him dearly and I know that he is sincere in his love for me but there is always that little voice in the back of my head telling me that it is all going to be a lie again and things will turn nasty. But I truly do not believe things could turn nasty with him, it is just the leftover fear from trusting the wrong person.
On top of all the relationship things I also get diagnosed with my autoimmune disease that causes me to be allergic to UV. As a person who always loved the sun, it is quite distressing and now that summer is coming again, I am reminded off all of the ways that I am unable to enjoy it like I used to. Being out in the sun for an hour leaves me exhausted and needing a nap. It just feels like I have lost a lot and it is difficult for me to explain but it all came out in a rush of emotions yesterday. But honestly a good cathartic cry is all you need sometimes and I feel a lot better.
Hello, you don't know me but I was looking through the public entries and just wanted to stop by.
I do hope it gets easier for you. It seems that you have just a lot to deal with. But you can manage, you know? You've survived this far, you'll survive and thrive again. I hope the new people in your life are well and nicer too. It sucks that we have to go through such deep changes in our lives, but that's a principle of life. You'll need to love and support yourself through it all, but in the end it'll be alright.
Have a nice day!
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