Dear Melo,
How is it in kitty heaven? I know it's been 6 years since you've passed and your brothers are getting old. Can't believe they are 6 years old. Soon I'll be saying good bye like I did you, but I lost you too soon. No kitten should have to pass at 7 months and I wish I saw the signs sooner. Maybe you'd still be here.
How's grandpa doing up there? It's been a year since he passed and the pain hasn't left still. There are days I wish I could call him and talk about how everything's doing. It's sad that I'm so use to losing people I no longer cry from the pain, but it's still there.
Cody and I have been fighting recently and it's taking a toll on me. I'm starting to degrade myself again. Telling myself I'm worthless, that my husband deserves better, and how no one can love a fuck up like me.
I wish I could be normal, but I hold so much hatred and resentment towards myself. I don't think I'll be able to ever let it go, but some days it's easier to deal with. It's funny too because I always say I can't hate anyone and that holding resentment doesn't do anything but allow the other person to hold power and pain over your head. But what happens when it's you doing it to yourself.
Cody and my 1st anniversary is coming up and I'm nervous. I can't believe it's been 1 year since I married someone I love dearly, but with it, it's also been 1 year since I debated suicide, since I was bit by my brother-in-laws dog, and since it was proven that as long as the brother-in-law is happy, it doesn't matter who is in misery. It's sad I can't move out and it's making me hate living on ssi because I'll never be able to move. I just don't know if I can work long term either.
I hope you are happy with grandpa and I miss you every day. You will always be loved and missed.
Love,
Mom
OH. :( You may not know me but I just wanted to chime in and say that... It gets better. One day. Somehow. But it gets better and it hurts a bit less or something else comes up that makes your life easier and you start to see how much the people around you appreciate you and how you *really* shouldn't, ever, harm or degrade yourself; it gets better to a point where you'll be able to treat yourself with kindness and compassion like you may do with some others and your environment will return the effect too. Until then... Please stay safe, be patient and try to surround yourself with people who will remind you of how much life is worth living and how it matters. Also, RIP to Melo and grandpa.
Have a nice day!
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