I have a problem concerning my friends. There is something I seriously do wrong, or something I expect wrong and I hate it.
Last year I lost a friend. I never saw it coming. I knew we weren't at our best, but I was ready to talk about our relationship, to see what the problem is, discuss it, work on it, do something. As it happens we never really got that far. She just stopped communicating. Actually, she was courteous but she was obviously avoiding to meet me in person. Anyway, long story short — she cut me off. She can't bear to see me, as she says. I had hopes until recently that we will fix the problem, get over it somehow. And time went on and eventually I gave up. I kept feeling horrible and I don't even know how to really feel about the whole situation, in a way it is ridiculous to me, that it has come to this. It just makes the whole relationship I had with her seem worthless. But I decided I don't want to keep feeling horrible. I really tried my best to fix what could be fixed. She just doesn't want to see me and I have to make my peace with that.
Now, in the last couple of weeks my relationship with my best friend is going down the drain. I am starting to feel desperate. I never had many friends, I had a few of them but they were precious to me and I really gave it my all to be there for them, to be my best for them.
I never had a romantic relationship with anyone until recently. It's all been just attempts at being romantically or sexually involved with people I didn't like in that way, because I was desperate. And even those attempts were few. Having a partner was important to me, it was something I really needed, as I guess everyone does in some way. If not a romantic partner, then someone you can share your intimate self with, someone who is there for you, someone who is gentle with you. I need touch, I was so touch depraved. I felt so deeply that something was wrong with me for not being able to like someone, to fall in love. I used to listen to people describe crushes, feelings, thrills, excitements and I never felt those for someone. I would just go along if someone showed any type of interest in me. All of it was so wrong and lonely.
And then, recently I met someone I started to fall in love with. Someone who was an enormous challenge for me. They are older, they share their feelings much more easily than me, they've had much more experience than me, both life experience in general and sexual and romantic experience in particular. I was terrified but I wanted to do this. I was 29 when I first started to discover and lean into my sexuality, when I started to allow myself to feel touch as something that brings pleasure and not as something that demands and that could potentially be dangerous. I wanted touch and was scared of it at the same time. Nothing traumatic happened to me in my past, I just lived in isolation for a long time. It took me a while to even notice that I am craving touch. I thought I was just fine the way I was, I thought I needed to be alone. I realized in my late twenties that being alone has become self-torture.
So here I am, ready to jump out of my comfort zone. And I don't really think anyone understands what a jump that was, and what a challenge it was for me. And that's okay, I know it. And it was difficult. And I got so sucked into the relationship that I started to forget "my old self", as my best friend told me. I asker my best friend for some patience. I needed her to be there for me during this time, but she didn't have enough patience. I don't know if I have the right to blame her, but dear god I am so angry. I don't feel like I have deserved this. I don't feel like I deserved any of her ultimatums, her judgements. I am so angry that she is not able to offer sympathy for what I am going through, it feels like she doesn't even care to bother to understand. She has her judgements. There is not enough place for understanding. And in a way that's okay, I can't expect that understanding from her, we are different people. I just want to cry honestly. I get it that she has her life, much more difficult than mine but I've said this so many times to myself to avoid feeling like this, so misunderstood and so judged by her. And so abandoned by her. I am so angry and sad and disappointed and I feel so alone. I almost feel like I hate her. I know I don't. But thinking about what I did wrong, why she is acting this way, is she right, am I right, what the fuck is happening with my friendships, why do I always have to feel like I did wrong, like I am wrong, like I have to apologize, like I am not worthy of her respect. It is disgusting, it is awful and it is lonely, the way I feel now and my mind is spinning in circles. I am only left with these awful feelings and those feelings remain, since there are no new good feelings to alleviate the bad ones.
Again, I feel like I am on this precipice. I feel like I am at risk to once again lose a friendship, the most important one I've had in my life, and to lose it in a way that will leave me feeling like it was no friendship at all. And I know that is not true. I love her and I know she loves me. What I hate is that we are forgetting that, underneath all the disappointments and shits that have been going on lately. I hate it. I hate the whole situation. And I don't know what to do with it. I am not wrong. I can't always be the one to carry the blame. That is not right. That makes me angry.
Hi Joy! I am really sorry that you feel like you are losing friendships, especially due to your relationship. I think maybe you need to consider what about your romantic relationship is upsetting your friend. I have had romantic relationships that took over my life and it was not healthy and really upset my friends. I had a friend give me an ultimatum before and it is not fair, even if they think they are doing it to help you, all it does is put a divide between you. In the end I learned that I was actually better off without that romantic partner or that friend. I personally feel that I am happier not having friends who try to control my other interpersonal relationships. Friends should be there to offer support, comfort and advice, not to control you and offer ultimatums.
I have also had friends who couldn't stand to see me happy. Never wanted to hear about the good things in my life, if I wasn't as miserable as her, I was useless to her. When I told her how happy I am with my current partner she told me she needed space from the friendship and so I decided to just cut her out of my life because I didn't want to have someone around who couldn't be happy for me. It sounds like you are still discovering yourself and I think your friends should be happy for that. Change makes people uncomfortable. Perhaps it is a simple matter of making some time specifically for your friends without your partner, once a week or once a month. I hope it is an easy fix and you and your friends can work things out!
@awesomesocks96 Hello! Sorry to reply so late, I don't visit this site often enough.
Thank you for your sympathies and understanding. It's been months now since I wrote the entry, and stuff has changed. I am now out of the relationship, trying to rebuild bonds with my best friend and also with myself. You are right - this relationship took over my life, and it's no wonder my friends were upset. I just wish I could've found a way for me to be myself in this romantic relationship, to set the boundaries even if they caused conflict and not let it consume me. But what's done is done, can't go back now. I think I'm kinda angry that I couldn't be myself enough in this relationship. It feels like I wasn't strong enough. Guess that's what I am left with now that the relationship is over. Feels good to discover that strength in random moments during the day.
I feel freer now, which is a funny indicator of how much I didn't feel free in the romantic relationship I had. Also, my best friend started therapy, so we are finding a whole new way to communicate and share. Which I feel is lovely.
Friends should be there to offer support, comfort and advice, not to control you and offer ultimatums, fully agreed. I guess we are all learning how to be better friends. I am glad you cut off the friend who couldn't stand to see you happy. I am just learning that actually leaving is a valid option that one has a full right to.
I hope you are doing well!
All the best :)
@Joy I am really glad to hear that you and your friend have been working on your friendship! I think it is wonderful that you were both able to take your space and come back and decide you would rather be in each others lives. As for the romantic relationship, I think the fact that you weren't your true self was maybe a sign that it just wasn't right. There will be someone who you can be 100% yourself with and it will be the greatest feeling! I know this because as I write this I have my feet on the lap of my partner who makes me feel completely understood and loved and safe in every way and allows me to be myself in ways no one else has.
My "friend" who had said she needed space I suppose didn't realize that I had decided to just be done with the friendship and she felt it necessary to send me a massive message about everything I ever did wrong in our friendship (such as not giving her enough attention) and tell me that she no longer wanted me in here life. Glad we both came to the conclusion that we had outgrown the friendship but I feel like the personal attack was unnecessary. It really did a doozy on my mental health for a bit while I was already on stress leave from work. Goes to show that there are some people who are worth fighting for and keeping in your life and some people are just not worth your time. So glad you have people in your life worth keeping!
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