hello :)

I probably should have thought a bit more about using my school computer to write diary entries, but here I am. I've been cleaning up and changing my room recently, which is pretty cool. It's nice to have a change in your life sometime. I'm getting to the point again where I need something to change. Everything feels too stagnant and I feel like I'm waiting for my life to happen. I want to do something drastic, like a new hairstyle or something along those lines. I guess I can't really think of much else other than that. I think I've felt a bit happier lately, because of the more sleep and more freedom and more fresh air and more sunlight summer brings, but the loneliness gets to be a lot sometimes. Fru is back in the hospital, and although everything went amazing on my end with Liz the last time we talked, I'm worried they're avoiding me because maybe they're scared or want nothing to do with me. I have lots of other friends, but for some reason, I'm scared to reach out to them outside of school. It's funny how I go from having so many friends during the school year, but nobody to talk to during the summer. I miss Ruben, too. He moved to Puerto Rico for college. I wish I could just call him up and ask him how he's doing, but it's been a while since we called and I don't want to bother him while he's busy or something like that. It feels like too much too late. I could probably text him, and I don't know why I haven't. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I miss winter break, when he, Emily, and I used to spend hours a day playing Minecraft together. I knew it wouldn't last forever, because nothing that good ever does. I feel like there should be a "but" after that statement, but I guess that's all I have to say about it. It was really fun, and it ended. Thinking about it, now I'm wondering whether I pushed Ruben and them away somehow. I tend to do that sometimes and I don't know why. It's like I can only end up getting so close without backing away. I'm crying now. For the first time in months, I'm really crying. Journaling is interesting. And just like it started it stopped. I'm not sure what happens. My tears turn on and off. When they're on I feel like I could cry forever and never run out of tears. When they're off I go months without the ability to let a single teardrop out, no matter how much I want to. Being human is weird. I wonder when things started to go wrong with me and Ruben. Minecraft was obviously just going to be a phase, so I think I should have been more assertive (is that the right word?? I don't know) with going up and talking to him in school and in choir. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a completely different person on the phone than I am in real life. In real life I have to be so much more conscious of the way I look and my body language and other people's body language. I think I'm just a bit too self-conscious to be the kind of assertive that I needed to be. Are my fears always going to hold me back like this? I feel like I miss out on so many things because of my fear, but it's like a wall I can't overcome. Talking to people and being assertive makes me feel so anxious I feel like I'm going to puke sometimes. It makes me physically ill. My friend Jem just texted me. We're gonna hang out sometime soon. I have something to look forward to now! Journaling is kind of nice! I'm not sure if it's going to be helpful yet, because with me it can kinda be 50/50. Sometimes, I tend to use journaling to vent in an unhealthy way and end up feeling worse. I'm not sure how to avoid that. Anyways, apparently, there is a public feature on this website. I think it would be interesting to turn this on public. I am definitely only doing it for the tiny bit of human contact, and the idea that just maybe, someone will read this and relate it to their lives somehow. So i guess this is public now. hello :)