Journal prompts - Day 1

So, I've decided to use daily prompts to make my journaling more interesting and fruitful and more frequent.

247 Journal Writing Prompts to Inspire Your Thoughts (developgoodhabits.com)

this is the site where I found the prompts, they seem fun so here we go! It would be awesome if someone joined me, too.

The first prompt goes as follows: "I am grateful for..."

I am grateful for the feeling that my life is yet to prove meaningful.

For a long time, I had struggled with finding meaning and motivation to do stuff. The latter was always a big source of frustration for me, it still is really. Wish it wasn't. My whole life I've been told that I am full of potential, that I have an obligation to fulfill it, to make it real, make it happen and yet I always lacked the motivation, seeing as I never believed in myself. I thought myself incapable, unlovable, empty, ugly, weird, not normal, insane, like my presence is a burden... I truly felt like I was never going to be loved, because who can possibly be able to love me? To look at me, wish to get to know me and like what they see? Who would ever feel the curiosity, the need to experience intimacy with me? It's a horrible feeling to live with.

I've been going to therapy intermittently for about three-four years now and I can see how differently I feel now compared to before. It makes me feel hopeful. It's a sunny feeling, like I am exiting a swamp and reaching a sunlit meadow. I remember how I never thought I would be able to feel hopeful. It honestly didn't seem possible.

Recently I got out of a relationship, which was my first big relationship. It was complicated, it lasted a little less than two years and deciding to end it was a very tricky and difficult thing for me. What is interesting is that, after I have come to terms with the fact that I no longer want to be with this person, no matter the feelings I developed and nurtured toward them, now I was to face a situation in which I am going back to my old fears. I am alone, again, trying not to succumb to the hopelessness of feeling like I would never be able to find someone who loves me. I am again living by myself. I am again fighting my old demons. But it's different. And that difference makes it all worthwhile.

I feel like I am participating in life. I feel like I am yet to truly participate in life. Fear is slowly becoming an old friend I get to talk to. I am getting a hint of the feeling of strength I never thought I would experience.

It is a slow process. But I am glad I get to enjoy and marvel at this ride.

My favorite song is "Enjoy the Ride" by Morcheeba. It's a masterpiece, and I stand by it. I am going to get it tattooed on my ribs area. It's something I decided a long time ago. I already have the tattoo of the angler fish on the inside of my left ankle and the tattoo of a snail that looks like a treble clef on the outside of my right ankle. I designed them both myself. The angler fish is the feeling of depression, it's a very complex symbol for me, there's no way to explain it fully now. And the snail is basically saying that I am moving slowly, slower than others, but I am enjoying and fully experiencing every sensation on the way. Those sensations create music, like a personal soundtrack of my life and experience.

I think I should make it my next project to design the "Enjoy the Ride" tattoo. To choose the verses and the font.

I am truly grateful that I am getting to know myself better, and by doing so I am starting to feel strong. Like, yes, why shouldn't someone fall in love with me? I have so much to give. Somewhere along the way, when I was young, I let myself believe that I am incapable of loving. That I am selfish, and emotionless, and that I don't care about anyone. Thank you, mom. But no. I am capable of loving deeply, and no one can take that away from me.

Also, I am interesting. I am fun and smart and why wouldn't someone want to be friends with me. Originally, I am a very curious person. I have to remember that and not let myself succumb to blind hopelessness.

So, I guess, I am grateful to be on this ride. It's a weird, tough, confusing ride, but it's my ride. I am grateful I am still going.