Sad sack and losing steam♨️

My whole point in joining Habitica and ayearago was to get my life moving, motivated and involved. Everything was moving along perfectly. My space needed to be cleared and cleaned. I always feel like I’m living in side a marathon that just won’t stop. I figured out what was going on and why that happens. As long as I have all needs met, and I mean the most basic needs (food, housing, water) when these needs are all met, I can work on and move forward with the main project of getting my home and body in order. I had to add the juggling of a job. This is an extremely physically demanding job and it’s triggering all of my auto immunity issues so that on my days off all I can do is sleep and I’m not able to focus at all on moving ahead within my home and healing my physical body. I can do the job, perfectly, but my recovery time is taking ALLL my free time. None of the ME stuff is getting done. I can’t handle working, keeping up with medical specialists, weekly psychiatric appointments, for myself and my daughter (like multiple appointments each week), friend and family commitments, household chores, vehicle responsibilities, food, and dried goods shopping, self care tasks… I live within a hurricane every single day, and every time I find my footing a monkey wrench is thrown in in someway. A friend blowing me off after I’ve changed my scheduling around to accommodate a need. She has four appointments that need to be canceled for whatever reason. And then, my ability to think my way through the rest of my day, and week becomes nearly impossible. And all this confusion and anxiety triggers, an immune response within my body so than physically, I can’t function at all. I cannot handle the job on top of all the other work. I’m trying to do. I’ve never been given ample time to learn basic, living skills. Just the idea of creating daily rituals and habits, something that seems so easy for most, is debilitating for me, and I need extra time, time that I’ve never had. So I blow off my end so I can handle the things that need to get done once I step out my front door. It’s disheartening, and very much, it’s a thing that I am judged for. All these state run psychiatric facilities, friends, and family push and push and push for me to do things their way so that it can accommodate them. My family tells me “it’s not all about you, Geneva“ and the reality is that they’re right. Nothing is about me. It’s always about making others more comfortable With me. I have to morph myself into something more palatable for them. And if I choose to not comply with “their” advise, I’m called combative and told I’m not in compliance and I risk losing the only steady income I do have coming in. I was able to improve my quality of life doing things in a way that’s working for me, which is super slow, lots of breaks, with great intention, but it doesn’t fit into how society does things. I’m confused, %100 of the time and my shrink keeps telling me I’m depressed. That every I deal with is caused by depression. But I’m I don’t feel depressed. I give up often. But it’s only because every attempt I’ve made to do my life my way, is shut down. So I go dark and into climb deeper into myself and only do my special interests. I’m just NOT a natural extrovert and being introverted is considered unhealthy. I’m told I’m isolating. But I’m not. In fact, I’m happy and I meditate, and forage, and write and paint and crochet and cook. I’m not isolating. I’m recharging. I don’t live day by day. I live project to project. And I love it. It’s what come most naturally to me. I don’t know. I’m feeling the urge to check out again and I’m really fighting it. I’m just discouraged. I’m totally misunderstood. Save for a select few. My daughter, and my AA sponsor and that’s it! Nobody else seems to understand what it is. I’m trying to say about what goes on inside me. Like it doesn’t matter at all what it is I need.

the picture I’ve added: the metaphor is the monster (world) vs Sigourney Weaver (meeee) Lol