Brain dumping galore

im passionate about sooo much but the “so much” is very specific. I’m passionate about painting, specifically ACRYLICS. Not watercolor, not oil, or any other type of paint. It’s acrylic and acrylic ONLY! I’m told I talk way too much about my areas of special interest and have been told to stop since I was young. I’m trying to reach a place of radical acceptance with who I am though. I’ve come to understand that when I allow myself to just let go, and allow myself to engage in my interests, it’s the boost I need to get through my day. Otherwise, the level I tired I feel is crippling. I reach a point of having to go home to lay down around noon. And then I’m disconnected and shut off for the rest of the day. If I can’t engage in my interests at all, the chances of all my other goal being reached is almost certainly 0%. This is a neurological developmental glitch that happens and I know it is. I feel it deep in my soul and any time I’ve had that got feeling, I have not been wrong.so my main goal has been about gutting cleaning and organizing my own space, both outside and within. The fact that I do NOT have supports to help make this happen, puts in the position to HAVE to work. And my reality is that if I’m working, even if only three days per week, it’s taking all of my days off to recover from work and nothing more is getting done. When I’m NOT working AND all needs are met, I’m able to do all of what needs to be done, with ease and there is calm within me. I don’t get it like that though. I was never meant for this world, this time in life. I’m meant for another time, another decade, or century even. I don’t know, I’ve always vibed with Egyptian, Mayen, Hindu ancient wisdoms, combined with modern technologies. I was meant for suffering, and thereby meant to be awake. Maybe I’m in the waking up phase? Maybe this isn’t meant to be pleasant or comforting? Maybe I’m right where I’m suppose to be🤷‍♀️

that said; I’ve also been way more open minded about all neuro-developmental designs. In fact, I praise the weird and uniqueness in them all. I’ve said my whole life that “everyone is weird only most will NOT admit it out loud” however, I don’t believe that any longer. I’ve come to understand that the externally weird are a special breed, meant just for me and others like me. I didn’t understand neurology or consciousness. Now that I’ve been reading and studying both of these for many years, it hit me as one of those giant realizations that I do, in fact, have a very different and unique brain and way about me. No, I’m NOT terminally unique. And also; I am NOT “normal” and I’m grateful for that! Like seriously, so so grateful! Because a normal mind wouldn’t think, feel, create or understand the world around me the way I do. I have three major goals (four if I include mayah as a goal”

1: the re-inventing of my outer space

2: the healing of my inner space

3: painting and drawing every single day

4: writing all my short stories, EVERY SINGLE DAY

MY DREAM DAY LOOKS LIKE THIS:

Get up in the morning. Begin my rituals of medicine, herbs, elixirs, tonics and spice. Clean my space, self and home. Go to a busy cafe with outdoor seating. Watch others but don’t engage. Write write write write. Go to closest collage art classroom. Paint paint paint paint and then type up what I’ve written at the cafe. Head home and cook, eat, clean… night time routine. And DONE! Rest and reset and do over the next day. Why do others fight so hard for me NOT to have this? My spiritual mentor, my AA sponsor, and my Church guild, all say “TAKE IT! Let yourself go and do your life the way that fits you” but the reality is that this simply can not happen within the community I reside. Not being aloud to do this cause my neurological mind to shut down. Turn off. Frontal lobe broken and body follows behind.