A Lot of Emptiness

11:18 PM

If I turned off all the sounds in my home, then it just feels so empty and lifeless. I usually have some background music or show or something going on in the background as I do things to make everything feel more alive and less empty. But yeah, my very quiet home feels so empty and so hopeless when I turn the sounds off. My life feels kind of empty right now.

Yesterday I messaged Wahl again and she messaged back saying she was hurting after being dumped by a guy she was with for the past 4 months, and referred to him as her significant other. We chat for a bit, I comforted her and told her how I much I still liked her, was in love with her. But yeah this event was a huge turn off. I didn't tell her this, but I pretty much lost all interest and attraction to her now.

This was pretty much a major event. I was madly in love with this girl for a long time, even dreaming and hoping for the day we would see each other again. Shattered now. I mean when I think of her face I still like her a lot. She's so attractive. I wish I could give her everything. Apparently I'm not the one to do that for her though. I need to just move on from her. I'm done. Goodbye Wahl. You gave my life some meaning for a while, making me wish every day that we'd see each other again. Now those dreams are shattered. I have to move on....

My workday was good...? Bad...? I'm not sure. I had a lot of work to do from yesterday, and I finished a good amount of that today I think. Then when I deployed the items for the client to test, something went wrong, and I wasn't sure what. So after our meeting today I troubleshooted that for a while, undoing all of my changes to try and figure out what was wrong. There's no local environment for me to test, so I have to write down code, and then deploy it on their server to test in their dev environment, hoping that everything works correctly.

I finally figured out what the issue was though, and it was this minor thing. Unbelievable. I redid my changes which didn't take that long, because I knew what I did already, so I just had to do them again. I then signed off work after that. I didn't deploy it to their servers yet, but I will tomorrow, and I hope that it all works. I also have to work on and update some more things too. Ugh this is tiring.

After work I hung out with Emma again. I don't think we did anything significant. I played some Fortnite while talking about work stuff, and she just watched me. She said she couldn't play Skyrim today because the HDMI port on her PS3 didn't work. I feel like just buying her a laptop.

I just messaged a seller on eBay for a possible laptop I could get her. I am actually really surprised how quickly the values of laptops diminish. I bought this Macbook Pro 16" in 2021 brand new for almost $3000, the price of it now is $1500 or so. It's still as good as it was back when I bought it, and it's still an extremely powerful computer today, I just can't believe that price drop though. Of course the price would never exceed how much it would cost new, but the low price is kind of ridiculous. It's pretty much always better to just buy a laptop second hand than brand new.

I feel like getting her a laptop because she's struggling. She kind of needs to get her shit together, and she knows it too, but I don't think she would listen to me. I want to be tough on her which is what I think she needs, but she's just gonna argue and that could ruin our friendship.

I kind of had a realization that I was going in the wrong direction myself tonight, when I weighted myself, and I finally exceeded my weight range which I was in for the past two months. I decided to fast again, for as long as I can I have said this dozens of times already, but this time it's different. I know my triggers to overeating. I know what actions cause me to overeat, so I will avoid them, at least try to.

I also cleaned up my home a bit tonight. There's been a lot of empty packages and receipts and other trash piling up, so I just cleaned them up, ready to be thrown away tomorrow. I can throw them away right now, but I think it just feels weird going out at night to throw out trash. I still haven't washed the dishes yet, but I will. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. I honestly don't feel sleepy right now, so it could happen anytime, I could even do it right now.

Anyway I have so much to do. So much to do. I still have to clean up my desktop and do a bunch of other things like install software and stuff like that.

Anyway that was my day today.