Reflections

11:39 PM

So I'm back to writing a daily public journal entry again. My girlfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago when she visited me in Puerto Rico, and I learned a lot from her. I learned so much. I've never felt so loved and so wanted as when I was with her, but I think I didn't make her feel the same from me, so that's why she broke up with me. Still, our relationship was honest, open, we shared everything and it was amazing. I really enjoyed it.

There are other reasons she broke up with me, I think another one being that I wasn't who she expected me to be. I told her that I was organized and that my home was clean, but when she came here, she ended up being disappointed with how unclean it was, and ended up doing some cleaning herself and also nagging me to clean up more when she was here. To me it was pretty clean, but definitely not to her standards (or even my parent's). They wipe every surface, and I should have adopted that habit from my parents, she ended up wiping some surfaces and finding dust and just being disappointed.

The other thing she was disappointed in was in me being organized. I told her I was organized. She viewed me as a successful man in their 30s that is mature and responsible, because I have a home paid off and have other accomplishments (also I say home, but it's a condo, it's not a house, but saying home makes it sound like a house and therefore more impressive, so that's why I say that). Well, I'm the first to admit that the organized version of me disappeared a few years ago. There was a version of me that was super organized, tracked everything, including the amount of time I did any activity like how long I used the bathroom for and from when to when, I was very conscientious of every day and made every day productive. That wasn't the me that she saw, I lost my organizational ability after not having done it in a while. Well, the good thing is, I actually started it up again a few days ago.

I'm not sure how I started it again, but I started it up again, and I'm on a three day streak of completing some very reasonable daily repeating tasks or dailies. I created some daily minimal exercises I should be doing such as pull ups, chin up, push ups, and walking. I just set a minimum of doing 5 of these daily, and walking for an hour a day, very reasonable exercises that don't take long nor take much effort. This was honestly so easy to do, I don't know why I skipped doing this every day for years, but yeah, I started them up again starting a few days ago, and it was a slow start, but I'm getting the hang of it again now.

Some other dailies I have is to brush and floss my teeth in the morning and at night. I also have a daily to wash the dishes. I need to add a daily to sweep the floor, because Mary (my most recent ex-girlfriend, because I have two ex-girlfriends now) swept the floor and told me to sweep it every other day. I will probably add a daily to sweep it every day. I know I also need to add something for the laundry, the cleaning of my bedroom, cleaning of the living room, car wash, cleaning the garden, lots of stuff. I'm just taking it slow.

I'm still getting the hang of organizing all my activities again. Right now I just have some dailies listed out, the ones I mentioned so far, which is not a lot. I still don't have a list of to dos, nor am I tracking my time, nor am I tracking my calories, nor am I tracking anything else yet. I'm just literally getting the hang of doing these dailies and checking them off on my phone. I have access to them on my laptop too, and I like organizing them on my laptop, but I like that I can check them off on my phone. This is a new version of me that is forming, that will be super organized again.

The most personal organization that I'm most behind on, is my finances. That was another thing I tracked fully as well, I tracked every penny and where it went. I'm literally three years behind on this now. I have to look up all my past year's transactions and add them, so I can track them fully. This will be a feat of an accomplishment if I ever catch up on these again. If I accomplish this, I probably say that it is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life, because I literally have to add thousands of transactions. This will be an insane feat, and if I accomplish this, I will feel so complete. This has haunted me in the back of my head for every purchase I've made, for the past 3 years. To get this back on track again, will be huge.

The thing is, I survived just fine without tracking everything, but I always felt behind and uncertain. So, at least with me doing these basic exercise dailies for the past 3 days, and checking them off, I feel great. I feel amazing. I feel in control of my life again. I'm starting to track everything again, and I will also journal every day again. I have to make a new daily task for journaling too, as I think that's essential.

Looking to the future and the potential, always cheers me up and fills me up with hope again. There are so many depressed people out there, I sometimes visit and read posts from this subreddit called r/suicidewatch. It's a subreddit for people contemplating suicide, and people write about how they have nothing to look forward to, how depressed they are, how miserable and terrible their life is, they write about they can't imagine how anyone can see anything positive in the world. It's one of the most depressing subreddits out there, and I think they just feel like they have no control of anything. I'm never suicidal, but I have felt as sad as them at times.

Things aren't so easy for me either. I am overweight, and although I don't look like I am overweight. I am extremely unhappy with my physical appearance, I just feel so fat and overweight, even though I understand few people view me that way, I view myself that way. I mean I can do 10 pull ups in a row, I can do over 40 push ups in a row, an overweight unhealthy person would not be able to do this, but I still feel so fat. I still feel like I have so much improvement left, and I do. I haven't reached normal BMI yet, I haven't for years. When I lose 30 pounds and get to a normal BMI, then I'll feel satisfied. I don't have body dysmorphia, I am literally overweight by the numbers, I just don't look like I am.

Most people in that subreddit also say they are alone, though some of them also say they have a lot of loving friends and family. I would have no friends if I didn't have my vegan friends I hang out with every few days here, they are so freaking cool and I'm happy to be friends with them. In Virginia, where I originally lived before moving to PR, I would have no friends, none. I think I'd have no friends in Virginia because people are more spread out, like there is so much room there, so you would have to drive miles and miles to meet up with anyone, and there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, except Washington D.C. In contrast, there is so much to do here in Puerto Rico. It's passed midnight, but I can go to the beach right now if I wanted to, I can hang out with some friends right now if I wanted to. A healthy social life is a necessity.

I have many problems in my life I don't want to go over, everyone does. Everyone has some issues and problems, every single person. There is no one that has a perfect life free of conflict and issues, and that's because time moves on. When you resolve one thing, time moving on has to create more problems for you again, because there is always change going on. The biggest problem that is bothering you today, or the newest gadget that just came out, everything becomes obsolete with the march of time.

One of my aunts died recently, a few days ago, that's a really sad event. At one point though, she was a young girl, then a young woman. Then her story ended. This happens to everyone. It's unavoidable. I like to think she's watching over me now, but then I also think about the billions of animals people kill daily, and think about what happens to their souls (and if we delve deeper, the souls of any organism). So I don't think they'd be watching over anyone, I think they're experiencing the bliss of non-existence, which people might assume is heaven due to being eternally peaceful, or considered as hell by others due to non-existence, maybe going to heaven or hell purely depends on one's perspective of non-existence. I still would choose not to kill an animal to eat who's consciousness is here for a limited time, when I can eat plants instead (and animals also eat plants, if you argue for plant sentience, you'd still kill 99% less being vegan, since more plants die to be fed to animals, cows can eat over 100 pounds of plants per day).

It's so interesting that I was once a high school student, and now I'm not anymore. When I was in high school, that was the biggest deal to me at the time. Now it's been 12 years since I was last in high school. The marching of time. This is why I need to find a partner soon. I'm planning on having my life fully organized, cleaned, tracked, I plan to become super fit with six pack abs, then maybe I can message Mary again and have her reconsider us again. I think she's an excellent and loving partner, I really enjoyed our relationship, so maybe we can get back together again. I might want a second date with Wahl too.

Anyway I feel really good about the future. I just have to keep it up.