Long day

hii my journal

feeling pretty tired so i think this entry will be short.

This day was not so good. I was rejected by my math teacher (i wanted to be in her group) :c

but I ate pistachio pączek! It was delicious! It felt like heaven. than I went to pizza place with my friend. And go shopping! I bough myself a cute blouse. It has cars on it. Looks sick .

I am thinking about this girl. I think i am starting to be obsessed with finding her again. I can not do it I do not even know her name. Maybe I am desperate for close relationship. I have always wanted to have a best friend. Like I had "best friends" but we grew apart. I missed her for 3 years. This year no more that. She is a diffrent person now. I also lost my relationship half a year ago. That was hard. This lesson from universe was about loving myself and putting myself first. I did that. But it felt... wrong. Why? I love happy me. I do not love yet the sad one, or the angry one, or just not "happy" one. I need to love every part of myself. Right now I am trying to explore these dark area of mind. I have shown people my happy face not the rest of myself. People have seen that and though: yeah she is happy. Was I? Not at all.

Pretty sad that I felt like I do not deserve anything when I am not "happy". I also felt like everybody who is not "happy" deserves everything. Beside myself.

That is so irrational. Just like fear. Just like lots of emotions.

I want to understand them. That's why I am writing.

Maybe my writing is on very poor language level and also completely incorrect sometimes, but that's okey cause I just need to express and see emotions in myself.

I often gaslight myself. I have to check on myself everyday. That's why I am here. I am trying.

Rn I am going to my bed to read or sleep. I have not decided yet.

Full of cappuccino rn hahha (tiredness)

XYZ