Productive Day but Got Some Body Dysmorphia After Watching YT Shorts

12:24 AM (of Saturday, January 11th, 2024)

Today is Friday, January 10th, 2024, and today was a very productive day. It was basically an ideal work-exercise day. I also spoke to my parents on the phone today, and I texted a friend for a bit today. The only thing really missing was real-life interaction with other people.

I fell asleep at around 4 AM and woke up at 9 AM. Yeah, it's only 5 hours of sleep, I get this much sleep often. Even though I can sleep whenever and wake up whenever, my body wakes itself up after just 5-6 hours of sleep usually, sometimes even 6-7 hours. Since September 22nd until today (that's when I got my sleep tracking watch) I have never gotten more than 8 hours of sleep in a single night. I don't set any alarms. I sleep comfortably and have no sleep times nor wake up times, and I still never get more than 8 hours of sleep.

I might have sleep apnea or other issues, but so far it hasn't interrupted my life much I think. I still get work done, I still exercise, I still lose weight, I still gain muscle, and I don't feel sleepy or tired throughout the day. I really want to get more than 8 hours of sleep, but my body doesn't want to apparently.

Oh yeah, last night I had a crazy dream too, involving giant snails with human heads. Hundreds of them. I summoned them from some portal item I used, I don't know why I did that, but my dad captured them all and set them outside. The snails could be bigger than basketballs, they were that huge, but they also varied in size and were freaky and terrifying in the dream. I was too afraid to get close to them, let alone touch them, but my dad was fearless and just put them all outside without harming them. Now they were free to give everyone else nightmares.

So yeah, I got work done today. I also exercised throughout the day. I was really happy in the afternoon, and danced while listening to music for hours while working and doing other productive things. I was just doing productive tasks the whole time, but I was listening to music on blast, singing along, standing up and dancing, and just having a good time. I have standing desks so I could alternate between sitting and standing pretty easily, but yeah, I was energetic.

In my last entry, I wrote about fasting and I tried, but I ended up failing. It's really hard to fast for even a day, and I got really hungry. I didn't eat enough to gain any weight, I still lost like 3-4 pounds (mainly water weight and glycogen obviously), but I did eat so I can't say I fasted. Tomorrow I'm going to eat again too, but just really small amounts, and all vegan obviously.

The thing is, even though I planned to fast, I did workouts today. I did 50 push ups, 15 pull ups, 15 chin ups, 50 squats, 100 leg raises, 100 crunches, 100 side crunches, 100 bicycle kick crunches, and the hours of intermittent dancing and a bit of walking I did today. So yeah, I got hungry.

At night time, I ended up watching some YouTube shorts of Kpop idols. After I watched some of these, I started getting recommended Asians men shorts in general, these are Asian men with six pack abs and handsome faces. I read through the comments and all of the comments were about how hot they were. They were all lean, with light white skin, and long black hair. At first I was pretty happy, since I'm Asian too and could aspire to be like them, but when I looked in the mirror, I got depressed.

With the way my body looks currently, I don't know if I'll reach their level of physique. I'm overweight which means I have fat covering my muscles to make them look a bit bigger, and even then I felt like my muscles didn't look as big as theirs. Even if I do get to their level of leanness, I thought, would I even look close to as attractive as them? Also, I have facial hair, and short head hair. I mean these can be fixed by shaving and growing my head hair out longer, but growing my hair out will take months. I also have darker skin than all of them. They all have pale white skin. I have Chinese-brown skin basically, not pale white. I'm also older than all of them, meaning I might not be able to get their youthful look.

Up until now, I was just unhappy with my weight. I had this hope that when I lost weight, and got six pack abs, I'd look pretty attractive. Now I'm not sure, and that depresses me a bit.

Anyway, I'm still going for it. I still want to see what I look like. The thing is, I'm really happy with my appearance, especially when I had longer hair. Even today, I danced in front of the mirror and liked how I looked. Throughout my life I never felt like my face was unattractive, I always enjoyed looking at it, even today, until night time. Now when I look at myself, I see facial hair, short head hair, dark skin, an older appearance, and now I'm starting to feel unattractive. Anyway, it just hurts a little.

That was my day today.