7:50 AM (of Thursday, February 27th, 2025)
Today is Wednesday, February 26th, 2025, and it was a busy day today. It's been nearly a month since my fast ended, and after gaining 5 pounds within 2-3 days from my lowest weight of 155 pounds, I've been hovering around 160 pounds this entire time. I would say the average for most days would probably be 160.8 pounds, so closer to 161 pounds than 160, but the range is basically from 159.0 pounds to 162.0 pounds, with my weight being at the 160 to 161 on most days.
I measure my weight under the same circumstances as much as possible. I check my weight after waking up and using the bathroom, with as minimal clothing as possible, with an Apple Watch because I don't usually take it off when sleeping. I try to take them all at around the same time, but it's not possible because I wake up at different times, some days I wake up at 3 AM, another day might be at 6 AM, and so on. Under these circumstances, my weight has basically been at 160 pounds this entire time.
I'm not sure if that's a good thing. According to my calorie tracker, I eat basically an average of around 3500 calories per day, or something ridiculously high like that. I eat so much food and yet don't gain any weight. I also exercise, at least 1-2 hours per day, and I don't lose any weight. Isn't that fascinating? My exercises are cancelling out the extra calories that I eat, making it so that I don't gain any weight at all. I hope I am improving in strength though. My workout performances have been improving, so I hope that I'm at least getting stronger.
In the morning though, I was very hyped up and motivated. I did all of my exercises pretty early on, and was confident in the evening I would have enough energy to jog laps around the neighborhood, and maybe even spend an hour or two in the gym going through every workout machine. That's the thing, I don't feel any soreness even when I put myself through the most rigorous of exercises. I attribute this to my vegan diet and lifestyle, I haven't eaten any animal parts or animal secretions in over 12 years, and other vegans experience the same kind of recovery too. It's insane. I wonder why I feel no soreness at all?
My daily workouts right now consist of doing 24 pull-ups, 24 chin-ups, 40 push-ups, 40 squats, 40 leg raises, 40 crunches, 40 side crunches, 40 bicycle kicks, and 10k steps daily. I try to go for all of them every day, and I basically do them every day, except for the steps, I often miss those. In addition, I might do additional workouts like curls or extra pull-ups and chin-ups. I counted yesterday, and I did 200 curls or so, with a 12 pound weight, as I walked, and I am not sore at all the next day as I write this. This is after doing all these exercises and more every day for the past 1-2 weeks, sometimes I would exercise for 3 hours and I am still not sore even right now.
Anyway, I wanted much bigger biceps. My arms are pretty big now. They became deflated basically when I fasted, but they've grown in size again now. I think this is due to the glycogen stores in our muscles being depleted during a fast. They are as big now, if not bigger, than my pre-fast arms. They could actually be a bit smaller too, but I think they sure do look a lot more muscular and toned now when I flex, probably due to not having as much fat around them. I wanted much bigger biceps which is why I walked around and did around 200 curls. This is for external validation.
I get the depression people feel when scrolling through social media now. It's non-stop comparisons with other people's lives. There is this muscular guy I'm following on Red Note, and when he flexes his arms they are just so massive. The comments are girls screaming and going "can I touch it" with blushing faces or calling him daddy and so on. I want that. I want to have big arms like this guy, and I want girls commenting such comments on my own photos and videos too. That would be so cool.
Then I just go on my own social media, and it's a desert. Girls seemingly ghosting me (barely replying) or not showing much interest. I don't get any comments about my big arms or anything. I don't have anywhere near as many followers. So anyway, I worked while having these kinds of thoughts. Every 30 minutes to an hour or so, I'd do my routine walking back and forth around my home to get my steps up. It felt depressing. I was so down the whole time. Then I had a work meeting and that was cool, one of the few social interactions I have in my life where I actually use my voice to talk to people, it really is.
Then after work, of course it was evening. Earlier in the morning, I had this plan right, to jog laps around the neighborhood, and I have more than enough energy and stamina to do so. I ran 5 miles on Sunday, and the only reason I didn't run more was because of the sun. I could probably run a half-marathon right now, while I'm typing this, if I really wanted to, and if there wasn't so much UV radiation from the sun here. Anyway, so it was evening, but I thought about how girls didn't respond to me as well as this other guy, and I felt so depressed and unwanted. I no longer felt like jogging outside, nor going to the gym and doing every workout machine.
This is a problem. I literally had so much energy that it felt inexhaustible, but my emotions affected what I could do. I think this is why people don't achieve their life goals, why they don't lose weight, why people fail things, is their emotions. People also needlessly torture and kill animals to eat due to their emotions, not reason and logic, if they took a minute to think about it, anyone with honest and objective critical thinking skills would stop eating animals on the spot forever. So our emotions affect our actions, we can make a plan to just eat 2000 calories a day for example, but our emotions and feeling sad, might cause us to eat 3000 calories or something.
This is what happened to me. I didn't eat any more, but I didn't do what I wanted to do. I just felt so worthless and unwanted, I felt defeated and that nothing I do would ever make anyone like me. I also do have around 200 likes on Veggly, it used to be over 200, like 205 or something a few days ago, but with an update I think they deleted some bots or whatever, and I have 195 likes now. Other guys might have like 10 likes, so it's weird why I feel unwanted. This is the victim mindset and I fell into it. I might also just delete my Veggly account now and start over. I have a decent amount of matches, like 20 or so, but I'm not talking to anyone now. I want to start over with new photos, now that I'm normal weight.
But I am older too. I can't hide the nasolabial folds (laugh lines) starting to appear on my face. I thought I'd just look young forever, but here I am getting older and looking older. I am Asian as well, so we are supposedly supposed to look forever young, but I am looking older and aging for sure. I mean I think I do look young relatively speaking, early 20s college students have mistaken me for being their age when I'm in my 30s. But yeah, I am no longer in my early 20s, and it's hard to hide that.
So I sulked into my room at night time, with all the lights off, and I just felt sad and depressed in my room. I learned not to seek external validation though. I might eventually have big arms one day, as big as that one guy's, but it might take years to build up to it. I have time. I might even go on more dates with Wahl in the future hopefully. Maybe I might meet new people. I shouldn't have felt so defeated just because things weren't going my way right then. I can work my way up to becoming better and getting better results too.
So yeah, that was foolish of me to have stopped working on my dailies just because of that. I have a literal list of things that if I do them every day, such as my exercises, then life will turn out well. I just really need to stick to the plan for as long as I can, and not let my emotions and external validation get in the way of things.
Anyway, that was my day today.
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