Did I panic over nothing?

11:33 PM

Even if it seems like I'm only caring about my face lately, a lot still happens day to day that I care so much about and don't even mention. It's not that I don't want to mention these things, it's just that my train of thought doesn't reach these things.

Two days ago, this Macbook Air M1 laptop arrived that I ordered for my mom. She's liking it. Yesterday we exercised to some zumba-like workout videos. She watches and exercises to these videos every day, sometimes twice a day, and she invited me to exercise with her yesterday, so I did. We also did that again today.

Another thing I ordered which arrived today, is this 1st generation 12.9" iPad Pro. I got it for $270 with shipping, and it came with an Apple Pencil, screen protectors, and a couple of cases, one being a very worn and damaged keyboard case which I'm throwing away. I thought it was a good deal, iPad Pros are like $1000. It turns out this model is 10 years old though, and it's not supported by the latest iPadOS anymore. Still, it's pretty useful. I bought it so that I could practice my art and drawing. I used it for brain training and taking selfies today.

The last two pictures I uploaded were taken with this iPad. I also put on this Revision Intellishade Tinted Moisturizer which made my face lighter. That's why my face looks so different. It's sort of like makeup. Did my appearance improve? I don't even know. I can't judge appearance that well apparently. I think I look okay? My face looks bony, but that's supposed to be an attractive thing? I don't even know. I look bony, gaunt, and masculine at the same time.

I still very badly want to improve my face. So yeah, I have been taking selfies in the morning, and scrutinizing my face right after waking up. My appearance is improving., it's improved a lot since Sunday. My skin is improving, and the dark eye circles are getting lighter. What isn't improving, are my nasolabial folds (laugh linens), and the micro-wrinkles under my eye. These wrinkles that appear when I squint and wink, are disturbing to me. I don't want them to be there. I never had this issue before.

My eyelids also changed, I noticed when I close one eye and scrutinize it. My eyelids have become saggier, very wrinkly when one eye is closed, I've noticed. When we close one eye, we tend to apply a lot of force into closing it, a lot more force than when we just close our eyes in blinking or sleeping, and I notice it became so saggy when I did that. I think it was due to applying minoxidil to my eyebrows, it would leak down to my eyelids and affect them, making them thinner. I hate it.

I want these conditions to improve. Something I've looked up and I am considering doing, is dermarolling or derma stamping, with an electronic stamper. I've used a dermastamp with minoxidil on my beard, and I think that just made everything worse. I think it made the minoxidil absorption insane, and terribly aged me. I threw that dermastamp away because it has traces of minoxidil on it, it's better to get a new one. Dermarolling or dermastamping, is also known as microneedling. It's stabbing your skin with these microneedles to stimulate repair, which in theory improves the skin. I've only used this on my beard area, so I have not used it anywhere else on my face. I don't know what effect it will have.

But yeah, my face was free of wrinkles and everything until this event. I also didn't have dark circles. So that's kind of why I'm outraged by this event. Some people posted things never recovered for them, while others say it took a couple of months. I'm panicked and that's why I'm trying and researching everything.

Anyway what else? I worked today, and got some work done. I'm still actually stuck on that problem I thought I resolved like a week or two ago. It turns out, nope, it's still an issue. I worked on some other items lately and completed them, but I'm still stuck on this one. I don't know what to do.

Also, another thing I did today was compare my current selfies to my selfies when I was 22/23 years old. I think they don't compare. I think I looked way better at 23, but then again, maybe I don't know. Again, I'm not the best judge for looks, but in general, most people's appearance decline with age, after 27 I would say. I met up with Wahl for the first time when she was 27 I think, or maybe 28, at that age I thought the girls I've met and was with in my teens and early 20s would be more attractive, but nope, Wahl at 27/28 was more attractive than anyone I've met in my entire life. When I was 21, there was this 19 year old that I thought was the most attractive woman ever, after meeting Wahl, I think Wahl was so much more attractive than her at 28.

The reason why I started comparing my selfies today, to back when I was 22 or 23, is because I saw this post on RedNote doing that. Pretty much everyone is more attractive in their early 20s than in their 30s. It's pretty much unanimous. There were people posting selfies of them looking like models in their 20s, to looking below average, or average in their 30s. It's very shocking. Of course it's all in the eye of the beholder. Even if I think one person is the most attractive person ever, probably no one else would agree to that, because I would only use that if they were also relevant to my life in some way, I wouldn't give that title to a celebrity or a model for example.

When I was in college, there were definitely women that looked like models. What I didn't realize, was that once college was over, it might depend on your profession, but you might not encounter anymore beauties at work, or anywhere else. If you get a construction job for example, you won't see any women ever probably, or some other male dominated profession like programming, which is what I do. I'm also a business owner and entrepreneur, since my teens. I started my first company when I was 19.

It's kind of weird that I was entrepreneurial from a young age, starting my first website when I was 9, having millions of visitors per month to one of my sites by the time I was 18. I thought it was so normal. Growing up, I literally haven't met any other person like me. None. I've met tens of thousands of people, definitely I've met CEOs who started their own company as well, and so on, but none who took my path or had anything similar to it. I have also rare met any Asians as well to be honest. I've met more vegans that I have Asians, probably, and it's easy to discern an Asian just by their appearance, you can't even know someone is vegan unless they tell you. I've worked with people for years who never knew I was ever vegan because it never came up, I've probably met and worked with vegans and I never knew they were vegan.

Anyway, yeah. I'm going to try out dermastamping. I think the electric version would be better. It's $60, versus getting the $7 plastic dermastamper. But, at the same time, seems kind of pricey.

Also, I noticed I have somewhat thick eyebrows already. It's kind of insane that I wanted even thicker eyebrows. I don't have extremely thick eyebrows, but they are thick enough. In some photos, they are very thick looking. I can also already grow a full beard. It's not as full as I want, which is why I started Minoxidil, but yeah, these side effects are not worth it. It really fucked up my skin, and I still don't know if I will ever fully recover, even after all these creams, and dermastamping, and everything. But I'm hopeful things will be even better.

I'm actually hoping I can surpass my looks at 23, when I'm in my 30s. It's something few people have done, but I've seen people in their 40s surpass their looks in their 30s, so I think it's definitely possible to be in your 30s and surpass your looks in your 20s. I'm hoping it is. Our primes are usually in the early 20s. At some point I believed it was 24. Then I met Wahl, and I think our prime is neverending. I don't think she will ever not be beautiful, to my eyes anyway. It's weird that I write about her so positively still, when I wished her a happy birthday recently and she never responded. I hope she gets back to me at some point. We might never see each other again, and I may have to go with someone else, but for now, I'm still in love with her, and I enjoy the feeling. I'll tell her that too.

Anyway, that was my day today.