There is a time limit for everything, but it's also better late than never

3:59 AM

So I keep breaking my fasts. I wrote in my previous entries that I would do this once and for all, just 100 hours, that's all. If I kept it up since the 8th, I would have been done by now, but I didn't. I gave up at around 48 hours in, and then gave up again after another roughly 18 hours. So now I'm starting over again, and this time I'm just aiming for something much more realistic, which is 72 hours, just 3 days. That's all I really need.

So far I'm around 7 hours into my fast, and I plan on keeping it up, just another 65 hours left to go, barely any time at all. I swear on my entire life and being that I will make it through to 72 hours. If I fail this time around, I'm going to give up on life. I'm going to give up on all my goals and dreams, all my aspirations, and love as well. I love the feeling of being in love.

Love has helped me keep on going and coping through my mostly worthless existence, even if it's only one-sided love. Oneitis is a really nice feeling, even if it's a delusional one and that most people would say is not good to have. I haven't been feeling it much lately since she hasn't messaged me back in months, but I used to have extremely strong affection for Wahl for years. It will probably come flooding back if/when she messages me back again. It would have been nice if I felt oneitis affection and obsession for Mary, my ex, she was amazing herself and loved me, for some reason my oneitis for her just didn't develop as much.

Life is pretty awesome, but there is a time limit for everything, and we decline after a certain age. I would say our internal decline starts at 30, and that for the most part we are improving and everything is getting better until that point, and then in general, for most people, everything internal to us starts to decline after 30. Our external life such as our relationships, home, family, finances, career, likely all improve as time goes on, but our internal life such as our mental health, intellect, appearance, physical health, and so on, all start to decline for most people.

It is possible to become fitter and healthier than ever after 30, given that you just didn't take as much care of yourself in your teens and 20s. If you gave yourself the same care back when you were in your teens and 20s, you wouldn't be able to surpass your early ages. Also you can learn new skills and abilities in your 30s, and make new creations and things in your 30s, but again, if you put in that time to learn those skills and be creative when you were in your teens and 20s, you likely would have been better when you were younger as well.

I'm having so much reflection about aging now, because my life is likely over the hump, at least in terms of my appearance and other internal factors. I'm starting to notice nasolabial folds forming, and other wrinkles and things, which are severely depressing. None of these existed when I was in my teens and 20s. They're only starting to appear now, literally just this year. Minoxidil didn't help, it aged me terribly in fact, and I'm still recovering from it to this day.

I spent a large amount of the day comparing before and after photos to pre-minoxidil and post-minoxidil. Because I was fasting back in March, I took a lot of daily selfies and body pictures. My face now in comparison just looks so much less youthful, and more bloated. I'm enraged to be honest. I don't know what to do to improve it, so I'm trying everything.

I have been using a lot of skincare for the past few weeks, but they recently started giving me breakouts, or something is, maybe it's due to the chocolate protein powder I bought recently, or it could be the peanuts I've eaten recently, but something started to make me break out. I've stopped all of my skincare other than cleansing, and it's getting back to normal again. Prior to minoxidil, I used no skincare products and I was beautiful and youthful. Now, I don't know.

Anyway, this is my commitment to fasting. I'd write more, but I'm really tired and sleepy now.

Even if we are no longer in our teens and early 20s, it doesn't mean we should give up on what we aspire to be or have. For example, there is no time limit to become a medical doctor. Anyone can enter medical school and enroll to become a medical doctor anytime they want. Same for becoming a lawyer, same for a computer programmer, or any field. It's just definitely harder when you are older. When you are older, in general your mental ability is worse, your physical health is worse, your appearance is worse, compared to your previous teens and early 20s, so everything becomes harder. You might have more income and stability, something teens and early 20s people don't have, but youth is still significantly more valuable.

Anyway, that was my day today.