Had Dinner With Mary

8:22 AM (of Tuesday, June 17th, 2025)

Today is Monday, June 16th, 2025, and I had dinner with Mary tonight. First though, I didn't do much throughout the day, I mainly just worked and that was basically it. Since my uncle guest was staying in my room, I stayed in my parent's room and worked for pretty much the whole day, and the day went by like a blur. Yeah, I really can't recall much else other than that. I may have done some exercises too, but I don't recall much of it.

Having dinner with Mary tonight was kind of a huge wake-up call. I'm liking that she's doing well in life, and that she has a new boyfriend now. I'm super happy for her. It is kind of weird that your relationship with someone can change, we used to be super close and everything since we were dating, and then some distance came between us. We pretty much used to let each other do anything they wanted physically with the other, and now we don't have that kind of relationship anymore.

Everything is in a flux. Nothing stays the same. This is of course obvious to everyone, but I'm reflecting on this now. I kind of had an inkling idea of this when I had my dorm in college. I thought about how in the past years other people stayed in that dorm room, and then in future years there would be new people staying there, but for that short instance of time of 10 or so months, I was the one staying in and fully in control of that dorm room, along with my roommate. Then yeah, several months went by, and I no longer stayed there, and everyone in that building moved on too.

In high school, even though I was quite young, I would have thoughts about how everyone in whatever room I was in, was going to no longer be alive some day. I probably had these thoughts when I was 15 or 16, I'm not sure where they came from, but I would only later read about these ideas in philosophy books, whereas I was already having these thoughts at that age. It's why I became vegan pretty early on as well as a teenager too, I tend to have thoughts and reflections other people don't, and have some realizations earlier on than others. Some people never make realizations or thoughts that were obvious to me as a teen, even throughout a person's entire life.

Even in my early 20s, I thought about death a lot, and would write journal entries related to it. When I first started journaling at 16, I actually wrote about the present as if it were some very ephemeral moment. I knew that I wouldn't be 16 forever, but at that age I did feel like I was immortal since I hadn't hit my prime yet, and every day was a new adventure.

After experiencing pretty much, more or less, a bit of everything, there's not much novelty to me anymore. You name something, I have probably done it, or experienced something close enough. I have jumped off really high cliffs into the waters, I've hiked through rivers and mountains, I've been to around 20 countries, lived in 4 countries for over a year each, been in relationships with some women, have had multiple jobs and roles doing everything, I've been successful reaching millions of visitors per month on a couple of websites as a teen, I purchased and paid off my first home at 27, I've had millions of views on YouTube, tens of millions of views on X and other social media, I've won gaming tournaments, I've been admin of large servers (1000+ users), I've managed employees and people, I've gotten straight A's in all courses in school for a year and I've also experiencing failing courses in school, so yeah.

What haven't I experienced yet? Overall though, I would say I haven't really accomplished anything too grand or meaningful. I am above average, sure, but none of my accomplishments warrant a wikipedia page for me. I haven't created a hit song for example, that would have me famous and have people knowing my name because of that, although I have written songs too that are available on all music platforms. I haven't created some technology or invention that warrants anyone knowing my name. So in that sense, I am pretty much just an average person. I am below average in a lot of areas too though.

But still, as an average person with a lot of life experience, I kind of start to wonder about what more is there?

Something that really hit me hard is aging. I hate the way my face creases so deeply when I make any expression. This really never used to happen before, and I hate it so much. I hate how my face is sort of sagging now, and I hate all the signs of aging that I'm going through. Just a few months ago I still felt really young and invincible, I felt like I looked good every time I went out. Now I just dislike my appearance, and it's all due to just experiencing some aging, heavily accelerated by minoxidil.

Being with Mary tonight was a wake up call. She's pretty much at the prime of her life, doing well in all areas, has a new boyfriend now, pursuing new hobbies and goals and interests. She's awesome. I really influenced her a lot too though, she's doing positive things she never did prior to meeting me, and I'm very happy for her. I didn't tell her my issue that I was going through, which was facial aging and hating how my face creased and how these wrinkles formed literally in the span of just a couple of weeks, and that I don't know if they can even be resolved. Still, she gave me some really good general advice tonight when I told her I was going through some difficult times.

She basically told me to go see a therapist or listen to podcasts or take a walk. Really plain and simple advice, but they do work. They are grounding advice. She is a very intelligent girl, did well in school, has a really good career. It's weird how I can be envious of her, when I also be described in the same way, and that I'm probably doing better. I shouldn't be, but I sort of feel a bit envious of her age though, and her potential. I mean I've already lived through her age, so why should I be envious? I had the same and equal opportunities and potential at her age too, so why should I be envious? It's so irrational.

I hate what I'm going through though, this facial aging, this facial creasing. I feel like utter shit, and that I'm so ugly. This honestly isn't even visible to anyone outside though. Mary didn't make any comments about my face, although it would have been rude to, so that's probably why. Maybe she had some internal thoughts about me looking weird and older though? Most likely not, I don't think anyone notices, it's only me noticing and worrying about this.

We had a really good dinner, and then we were going to walk around, but since it was raining, we drove around for a bit in her car, she drove. We stopped at a parking lot and played this game together called Wavelength. It was fun, we played two full games and we scored points on every single thing, meaning we were on the same wavelength, except for one thing.

Anyway after hanging out for a bit at this parking lot, we went back to my car and she dropped me off. She gave me half of the food we ordered. I drove back home and had a lot to ponder about.

At home my parents and my uncle guest were eating dinner. It's awesome he is also eating vegan with us the whole time. I just gave them the half of the food that we ordered, and went back to my parent's room. I messaged some women on there, and I'm glad they are all still responding and talking to me. I'm probably going to meet up with Yuzu next month, and we're going to travel around Europe for a bit together. I hope it happens.

My main goal in life right now is to become physically fit, and if I'm still not satisfied with my face due to minoxidil damage, I'm probably going to start researching facial surgeries more and possible side effects and consequences of each one, and then decide on something. I'm also planning on messaging Wahl again once I'm physically fit.

Overall life is just okay right now. I'm very insecure about everything though.