Okay so this entry is going to have two sections, the first is lots of medical updates/news, the second is just some thoughts and things I have been developing as a figure out my spirituality and piece together my beliefs.
----------1 MEDICAL UPDATES
I have had a busy day. Had a PCP appointment last minute. I am surprised they got me in this quick, it was with a fill in doctor not my usual PCP.
It started horrible because an extremely uneducated nurse tried to tell me it was just anxiety yesterday when I felt like I had a heat stroke. But the doctor then came in and was amazing! I was crying because she actually was listening and she said she understands because she has chronic illness and had to fight with the doctors for 15 years to get a diagnosis.
She ordered a bunch of blood work and not the usual standard blood work the doctors usually order. She actually sounded very knowledgeable about blood work explaining the ones she was ordering and said she would be in touch about the results and if she needs to order even more specific blood work she would.
I am going to be doing this thing tomorrow where I go and they attach a heart monitor and I bring it home and wear it for 24 hours.
Now it is midnight, still up because of the pain. I just got my results back. Everything else looks pretty normal but the my Unsat Iron Binding Capacity is EXTREMELY high like it is 371 when the normal range is 140-280.
So I will likely get a call from my doctor tomorrow because this likely means that I have an iron deficiency so hopefully I can start iron supplements and that will help!
But now Im questioning everything because what does this mean? Do I have fibromyalgia plus an iron deficiency that is making it worse? Or is something else going on?
Thankfully I have a doctor who knows what she is doing and is going to work with me to figure it out (never thought I would ever say something like that).
I have so many complicated feelings. Like angry because why didn't any other doctors think to run more specific blood tests, I even requested an iron panel a month or two ago it was ignored!! And also relief at finally being heard. Uncertainty because I am unsure what it is that is going on with me but I am happy to have a chance at finding answers with this doctor.
There is one more lab that didn't come back yet, she said it usually takes like a week to come back.
-------2 SPIRITUALITY JOURNEY THOUGHTS
I recently learned of the goddess Ashirah, who was the wife of the Christian god at some point. I was raised christian but left earlier this year. I have been doing a lot of thinking, which is nice because I wasn't really allowed to think freely and be open minded about things back when I was a Christian, no hate to Christians, it just wasn't resonating or fitting with me well and I think each person's beliefs should be their choice and very personal to them which is why I respect all beliefs and religions, in fact I am curious and like to learn about them. I listened to many audiobooks on taosim and eastern philosophy, read some stuff about Buddism and Hinduism, it is all very interesting, I also like learning about the Greek gods and goddesses and the Norse ones as well.
But Ashirah in particular I like the most because of her motherly nature. I have always loved and felt at peace in nature, especially near water or with green trees. I always said if I could only pick two colors to be able to see I would pick blue and green. My favorite nature colors. As I heal from my religious trauma I find myself relating to her a lot. Because Christianity tried to erase her, they wiped her from the bible.
I was talking with my one friend who isn't a pagan and she pointed out how in the Bible it says "Thou shalt not worship other gods" This implies the existence of other gods, meaning it says even in the Bible that there are other gods. It says that he is a jealous god so it makes sense that he would try and blot out or forbid them from thinking other gods exist.
I get the feeling that all of these different religions/beliefs are pieces of a puzzle. I feel like they are somehow connected. But that is the best part, I now get to wonder and think about all of that, my deeply inquisitive mind can have free reign instead of being shut down. Who knows, are they all right? Is nobody right? Is the actual answer something no one has thought of? We will find out when we find out, but for now I am going to enjoy this freedom.
And Ashirah, I like her. I resonate towards her a lot especially being an ex Christian. And I could be completely wrong, maybe the atheists are right and there is no god. But like I said before, we will all find out when we do. For now I am going to enjoy the freedom my mind has since leaving Christianity.
Geez even doctors have to fight for 15 years to get an appropriate diagnosis? What a terrible healthcare system. Glad that they were able to figure out some abnormal values such as your iron levels and Unsat Iron Binding Capacity. I wonder if your symptoms will resolve once your values become normalized?
I have never heard of Ashirah and grew up under a Catholic household, was baptized, went to Sunday school, had first communion, etc. I watched Veggie Tales growing up and had all the songs and episodes memorized at some point, literally every song and dialogue. For some reason I had amazing memory as a kid and could memorize and repeat commercials after I'd seen it once, I don't have this ability anymore. There was one time in Sunday School they played a Veggie Tales episode, and the whole class sung along for the songs, and the teachers were so surprised that we knew the songs, I was surprised other classmates knew the songs as well. You had to rent a DVD or VHS to watch it at home at the time.
In 2006 or so I was 13, and that's when I became an atheist. I'd watch debate videos on Christians vs Atheists on YouTube, and was a Christian at the time. I was cheering for this guy named VenomFangX, some other guy called Kent Hovind, and another guy Ken Ham, but mainly VenomFangX. Their videos and reasoning made so much sense, but people like Thunderf00t and AmazingAtheist (asshole) would defeat them.
Yeah the more you learn about history the more you realize these religions are just made by people. I find all of history to be fascinating. The Egyptian Pyramids were already ancient history to the Ancient Greeks and Romans. The Chinese also have an incredibly long history. You can spend a lifetime studying any of these topics and still not learn everything.
There is so much for you to still learn and uncover :)
@JustMegawatt I remember veggie tales, haha I also knew every episode by heart at some point. I agree, I find it to be fascinating as well. I feel like the more you really dive in to learn the less you know. That's why I'm deciding to not be part of any religion or belief set, I'm really not going to label it, I just want to learn about everything. And at the end of the day I don't understand why people get so upset and angry about it, especially Christians. It's like they feel the need to force it on everyone and that is completely unnecessary . We'll find out when we find at, because really no one knows. Honestly I like that. Once I get there, I will figure it out. If it is nothing? Okay great. If it is something after death? I'll deal with it when I get there.
I would watch these debates as well with my parents between atheists and Christians as a teenager and I would secretly be cheering on the atheist LOL. If I think about everything too deeply sometimes it feels like my brain might explode-. Religions are made by people, everything is made up by people. Sometimes I think about the fact that even language, it's literally just a bunch of different symbols and sounds that everyone just decided mean something. I think a lot LOL. I also really like quantum physics and theoretical physics. I can't comprehend most of it, but I find it interesting!
And back on the history topic, I find it interesting to think or imagine waaaay in the future historians trying to study this century and finding some mundane everyday object and being fascinated like "Who knows what this was for???!"
There really is a lot to learn! And that is the best part. My favorite quote "I would rather have questions without answers than answers that can't be questioned" (Richard Feynman, I think? Memory is terrible)
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