I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year, which led me to seek out an evaluation for autism. I was officially diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder last week.
When I was diagnosed with ADHD though, I think I began learning to unmask. Not even on purpose entirely but I also found a lot of online communities involving autism and ADHD and it made me feel less alone, like I wasn't some weirdo.
I was just recently diagnosed with autism. And I have had a whirlwind of complex emotions I have been dealing with.
I am starting therapy on the 16th to work through the grief and anger that comes with "What if I had been diagnosed, what if I had been SEEN, sooner?"
I was so eager to please, I just wanted to have friends and people to want to hang out with me and the most painful part is that I didn't understand why I was being excluded, left out.
So I would practice in the mirror, and watch other kids interact. I taught myself to be normal. Really I just became a mirror. If I was who they wanted me to be, they would want to be around me. As I became a teenager I still sucked at socializing.
I had all of the prewritten cards I had made for myself and pre-recorded lines (metaphorically speaking,they were all things I taught myself and kept in my mind). I had more "friends" at least a few. Looking back I can tell they weren't my friends, I just thought they were because I was desperate to be included.
And as I am working through this I feel like I am losing the ability to mask. I don't even know if that's possible?
But I feel like I have gotten worse at socializing. Maintaining eye contact in a conversation has become even more difficult than it has always been. Maybe it is because my physical health is falling apart. I was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
It is harder to maintain a mask when you are in pain and have zero energy. That could be it.
I have a lot of different stims that I do (I never knew it was called this until recently) But the biggest one is:
Sometimes I would get too excited about something, or the song I would be listening to would be fire, and I would do the run/skip jump/hop combo and other people would see it and I got bullied for it. I tried to make sure I only did this when I was alone, and I tried my best, but I really couldn't stop myself sometimes. Okay I really couldn't stop myself a lot of times, but I like to block out those memories because people were awful and mean. I also have this stim where I will twirl my foot when I am sitting down, and when I am laying or sitting down I will sometimes flick my hands.
I have been doing it for basically my whole life. I still do, and I'm 22. But now I am trying to un-teach myself the shame. I was taught to be ashamed and so I am embarrassed even writing this. And I am trying to unlearn that. But it's hard.
I feel like everyone says they support autistic people but what I have learned they really mean is:
"We support autistic people. As long as they can mask enough that we won't be uncomfortable. And as long as they keep their stimming in check. And as long as they don't talk about their special interests. And as long as they don't make any weird sounds or movements. And as long as they act acceptable enough."
So basically, they don't support autistic people. If you only support autistic people that meet your criteria of being "acceptably autistic", you don't support autistic people.
There is a lot of internalized ableism I am trying to un-teach myself, after a lifetime of being yelled at to be "normal".
I know some people don't prefer to refer to themselves this way, and I respect that because I think it should be a personal choice.
But for me, I am disabled. Not even just physically because physically alone I am disabled, but also the autism. I was about to throw my phone across the room in rage and disgust the other day when my aunt was talking on about how autism is a superpower and how I'm just special. I'M NOT FUCKING SPECIAL I'M DISABLED AND I DON'T WANT TO BE. That is what my family (except my parents they have been very good supports through this) can't seem to understand.
I didn't feel special being treated like garbage by my peers because no matter how hard I tried to be "normal" and to fit in I was still weird. Now I have a deeply rooted fear of being "too much" it comes from being left out over and over and no matter how much I perfecting my acting skills and this mask it was still not enough.
NO WONDER I went through autistic burnout. It did seem like I was depressed. So I spent five years in mental hospitals because they and I both thought I was depressed. I had no words for it, I never knew what autistic burnout was.
I don't feel special when I have a complete overload of my nervous system and can't function because I shut down all from my clothes having a texture that bothers me or touching my skin in a way that bothers me that day.
And now I am learning to unmask, and not even entirely on purpose. It is probably a combination of me not having energy to keep up the acting/mask because of the fibromyalgia and my body falling apart and me starting to undo all the years of internalized ableism.
Honestly? I'm at the point where I am just going to say "To hell with all of these neurotypical idiots. I am not going to spend all of this effort and energy masking so THEY can be comfortable. If they think I'm weird, if I bother them, they can LEAVE. If I'm too much, they can go find less. I have good friends and family who care and are supportive. I don't need the rest of these people's BS"
Oh hey. AuDHD haver here. It's tough starting life on hard mode. Especially when you have this anger directed at other people's ignorance and also thinking you deserved better (you did deserve better, of course). So far, CBT and DBT have been helping me get through things. Even things such as weirdos or ableists— being relatively less reactive can make your life much better. I hope you're able to find a community of your preferance. Have a nice day.
At 22 I was also basically alone. Most of my friends were either still in college or already working, and I didn't have anyone to talk to or anything. I also didn't get invited to anywhere. Maybe that's just me, but I think it's normal.
I'm not diagnosed with anything, but I also behave weirdly at times. There was one time I was playing this online game with some friends, and I would just play my music out loud on the speakers, I played it for hours, I thought they were enjoying it lol! I learned they muted me and were going "wtf why are you playing music randomly" and were laughing at me the whole time. I don't think any of us have perfect behavior.
Maybe it's just people online, but I see that a lot of people have trouble "fitting in" and are often left out, and that we are more isolated than ever. I pretty much rarely talk to anyone except online, since I don't go out much, since I just work from home. I talk to a person in real life maybe once a week, usually it would be a cashier. Seriously. I haven't met anyone new in ages. If you are working a real life job, at least you will meet new people.
Anyway there has to be effort put in to maintain friendships and relationships. You have to keep in constant contact and communicate, it isn't easy for anyone, and I think it's normal these days to not have that much real life friends, unfortunately.
@Fugo thank you for the encouragement! I am starting therapy next week! :)
@JustMegawatt Yea I agree it is hard to find good friends in real life. However, the thing that makes it a disability for me is the severity of the symptoms. Sometimes my hair touching me makes me extremely angry like rage, or the way my clothes feel. I have a long, long list of sensory issues and it's not normal at all.
Also the facial expressions. There is a difference between social anxiety and social awkwardness and literally having to force yourself to make the correct facial expressions and make eye contact because it doesn't come naturally. I miss like 90% of social cues and the ones I don't miss I have a hard time understanding. That is not normal at all.
Not trying to be rude or harsh, just sharing my experience and what I know having lived with this learning disability/developmental disability for my whole life. I would throw full on raging fire as a little kid because the food tastes weird/had a texture that bothered me. My parents had to fight to get me to wear pants because I didn't like how they felt.
The list is extremely long. The main difference between not fitting in and having a learning/developmental disability is how it affects your ability to function. I have an extremely hard time functioning in society where noises overwhelm me to the point of being unable to do anything because I shut down, noses that don't bother or only slightly bother most people.
It all adds up. I did work a real life job, six months at Walmart as a teenager. I was barely hanging on to that job until I eventually lost it.
I agree there has to be a lot of effort put into relationships. And trust me I put in a lot of effort. I'm the type of friend who reaches out often, goes the extra mile without being asked because I want to and I care about the person. So it's not a matter of effort on my end.
I can't speak for you or anyone else. But for me, what I live with and have lived with for 22 years is a disability. It is a disabling condition.
Sorry for the long comment :) hope you have a good week!
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