Currently listening to: This Wheel's on Fire by Siouxsie and the Banshees
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I guess I am a person who has to deal with jealousy. Today, I will reflect on this.
The first reason I can think of is the fear of replacement. My depression keeps telling me I am not a great person; therefore, I fear that the people I love will replace me someday. This is one thing I need to improve.
The second reason is my bad experience with the last person I had a platonic crush. He simply replaced me with a friend because I was feeling depressed, and I am scared this will happen again. My brain is convinced that this would not happen with my current platonic crush, because he is a great guy. My depression and anxiety tell me otherwise.
That's it.
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I hate to study for my last exam this semester. It's a physics exam. This is kinda weird, because I study physics next semester, but hear me out: the topics I need to study for this exam only scratch the surface. I want to go deeper, not only surface-level deep.
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Special interest:
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That's it, see you soon!
So... I feel you there. It's anecdotal but I considered myself to be a person that is not jealous for the longest time. You seem to know the difference between jealousy (on replacement) and envy (on wanting what others have). I had known I was an envious person yet didn't realize I was jealous until certain things started happening and I would have somatic reactions that could affect me for hours without knowing why. Working on emotional processing, now I know. I would say to look deeper within yourself when you feel comfortable doing so. Emotions such as jealousy are sometimes grouped under "anger" emotions. Anger implies a boundary being crossed or a desire to protect oneself. What's more, is that you might have a "core belief" about yourself, the other person or the world around you that might have been feeding into jealousy. If you have repeating patterns in your bouts of jealousy or if you keep coming back to "that one thought" I'd suggest examining it (might be some things you already typed down in this entry). Things like "how true is this" or "why did I start having this core belief" can be a notch harder to pick apart, that's why I consider even finding and acknowledging your core belief(s) a victory.
The way core belief study works is via a diagram that goes like;
Core belief: "Everyone is out there to hurt me"
Situation: "My best friend forgot what my favorite color was"
My immediate thoughts/ emotions: "They're mad at me for something and they're actually taking it out on me/ I feel vulnerable, replaced, envious, jealous, guilty etc."
There you go. Advice you totally did not ask for! Well them's the facts. Good on you for reflecting on your jealousy though. Crush that physics exam.
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