The Longing and Moon

9:25 PM

Today was another "perfect" day. I did all of my habits today. I worked today. I exercised. I did brain training. It was a great day. However, I'm lacking in something.

The movie Moon (2009) is one of my favorite movies. I'll try not to spoil the movie in discussing it. The movie takes place on the moon, where there is only one person whose task is to mine 3He (Helium-3) as an alternative fuel to nuclear energy that is cleaner and isn't radioactive. This is true in real life, 3He is actually a viable fuel source, however it is incredibly rare on earth, but very abundant on the moon. Anyway, it's just one guy on the moon. The entire movie is basically just one guy the entire time, the actor superb, such a compelling performance.

The movie really makes you feel cramped like you are actually on a lunar base with no air outside and very small rooms and quarters. The guy, Sam, has a very monotonous job of mining these rocks for their 3He gasses. It's such a boring, repetitive, monotonous job. He just goes outside in his space suit, mines these rocks, then goes back in, and leads the most boring life, it's incredibly monotonous.

I think it must have been around 2019 or 2020 during the pandemic when I saw this movie for the first time. I felt like this movie was my own life. My life felt monotonous, boring, the same. I worked in a cubicle back in 2019 and 2020, but before that, I worked in an "open office" layout, in my first job back in 2014. Actually, back in 2014, I don't think things felt so cramped and constricting, not as bad as my cramped cubicle, but things still weren't amazing. I still felt stuck. I felt stuck in my early 20s, despite that being my developing years. Crazy right? Those should have been my most opportunistic years for growth.

When the pandemic struck, I worked from my parent's home, I just stayed in my own room all day. I had a lot of "friends" and buddies I would talk to on Discord, so things were never lonely. I had total adventures with them, I'm sure some of the best times and memories of my entire life were formed with them. But still, I was just there, stuck in my room all day. I was basically like the character on Moon (2009).

Then there's this game that came out in 2020 called The Longing. I only heard about it recently, like a week ago, and it fascinated me enough that I bought it a few days later. I bought the mobile version for my phone, and I also bought it on Steam for my computer. In The Longing, the whole game is about waiting 400 real life days to wake up this king. Yes it really takes 400 days to beat this game. It is a waiting game, a game of patience. Everything in the game takes forever to do. Even walking across a hallway can take several minutes and you have to watch your character move very slowly. There's no other game like it.

The thing about the Longing, is you are stuck in this cavern system, and you are the only living thing there, except for a spider who becomes your friend, and maybe this rock face that can talk, and maybe the king. Your character is immortal, they do not need to eat or sleep, and they can live forever, but they have to wait 400 real life days. If you ever get bored, you can explore this cavern system, although you do not have to, you can just wait and do nothing, and the game will end in 400 days.

What Moon and The Longing have in common is the monotony and boredom and constricted space. I sort of feel like that's where I am right now. I'm not complaining about it, this is my dream come true being able to do what I am doing. But at the same time, things do still feel very monotonous and constricted just like Moon and The Longing. I work from home, I have been since the pandemic. I run my own company. I can actually do whatever I want to, work wherever I want to, do anything I want to, but I still feel constricted.

I do stay at home all day. The main benefit of working from say a Starbucks, is that you get to see other people and that you don't feel so lonely. I have done that before a few times. I've worked from a library before too. I just prefer just staying at home because I can just do everything here. I can take breaks and work out, which I do in order to complete my daily exercise quotas, I can't do this at Starbucks. I also get to work in the position I want. I can lie down and work, not just sit at an office desk, which I could also do.

I do feel constricted still. In my early 20s, it was because I didn't have any resources. I lived with my parents, I had no autonomy. Now that I am more successful and live on my own, I don't have this same problem and constraint now. But I am 32 and I am getting older. Even though I have had fit girlfriends and women who said they had a crush on me even when I was obese, and my own life experience is a counter-example that disproves my next statement, I irrationally think you have to look good and be fit to receive love and attraction. I just "feel" like this is the case, even though my own life experience literally disproves this, as well as some of my friends now, not going to name names or describe what I am referring to, but wow, just wow, just more examples that disproves this "feeling" too.

So I rarely talk to anyone. I rarely talk or hang out with any of my friends. I rarely talk to any women. Because I am still working out and still "getting there" trying to reach to an attractive state. Like once I feel like I have a fit body, that's when I'm going to be more social. Right now I have a fat stomach, way too much fat, I have zero definition on my body, so I am probably like 18%+ according to the body fat % charts. So I'm not happy at all. I've been exercising for about a week, doing more exercises than 99.99% of the population probably, and yet I have no results. Still nothing to show for it after a week.

Also, even though I may do more deliberate intentional exercises than 99.99% of the population, this is all I am doing. My daily step count is only barely above 3000 per day, not even reaching 3200 steps on most days, on the days it goes over, it probably doesn't reach 3500, and almost never goes over 4000. So this is how rarely I move throughout the day. Someone doing a more physical job, will definitely do more exercise than me, just because they are moving the entire day, taking 20k steps a day and doing lots of physical activities, but their exercise isn't intentional and targeted, mine are. But yeah, still no results after a week.

I so desperately want to be able to send love messages and take care of someone right now. Obviously there is just one person in mind that I am thinking of right now, and she did wish me a happy birthday this year. I haven't replied to any of her mass of messages from two months ago yet, because I have not gotten fit this entire time. I feel like if I have a very fit body, I could impress her. Would it even mean anything? I would so love to send her messages like "I am in love with you and I want to take care of you" and so on, it would feel so nice, but I can't yet. Also I have already sent messages like that to her over the years, it's so much fun being in love, but I feel like I am unaccepted and undesired because I am not worthy yet.

I don't actually know if I will ever become worthy, or if I will ever become fit, or ever become attractive. Being older, my face isn't as good as it was in my early 20s. I didn't have to try hard, and I just looked good, this is why I attracted some women even when I was overweight. I wasn't obese in my early 20s, but I was still overweight, roughly the same weight as right now actually! I have a lot more muscle now, I can probably over 10 pull-ups in a row right now, while in my early 20s I couldn't even do a single one even with all my effort. But I am still not worthy.

My crush is still Wahl, even after all this time I pretty much never became interested in anyone else. She's probably been with a few other people now, since I was with her last year, while I haven't seen anyone. It's so depressing. I just feel so unworthy. Yeah I should find someone else, but love is just such an emotion where it's not easy for me to do that. I can't just lose interest in someone I am so interested in. I still have some hope that if I became insanely attractive, that I may have a chance to be with her. The problem is that, will I even become attractive?

And at this age, 32, great people have already accomplished great things. All the big famous musicians, actors, programmers, CEOs, game developers, scientists, authors, etc. most of them were already stars in their 20s, that's the decade that they made their careers. Yeah, likewise I have accomplished some moderate things in my own life, but I am basically a nobody. No one knows me. I have no notable accomplishments, no notable creations, no wikipedia page on me, I am closer to nothing than I am to something. What is there left for me?

So, I feel like my own life is similar to The Longing and Moon. Very similar. What am I going to do?