9:11 PM
Today was an emotionally wild day for private reasons. It's weird how the world around you can be so calm, there is nothing going on in my environment even right now, but depending on the thoughts that I choose to think, and depending on how I interpret those thoughts, I can evoke certain feelings. I can evoke extreme mental anguish if I let it. I'm sure some of the experiences I've had, would drive many mad, insane, they wouldn't be able to handle such thoughts and experiences. I definitely believe this. Although they wouldn't have experienced what I did without thinking like me to begin with.
My thoughts are nothing about relationships or being fit or my appearance or anything like that. They are about past experiences, past mistakes I've made. Missed opportunities. Something akin to having it all, and then having nothing. Actually, many experience this same anguish and kind of emotion that I am feeling. I'm glad that the subreddit "r/problemgambling" exists, because people post their own similar stories of having lost vast amounts, and I can relate to them. Although my thoughts and experiences are not about gambling, I have never been a gambler, the anguish these people feel is extremely similar to what I can go through should I choose to think certain thoughts.
I can't really do anything but move forward. The past is in the past. We can't ever go back there.
So. So. Hmm.
Yeah. The only thing I can do is move forward. Nothing else.
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