Keep Moving FORWARD

1:35 AM

Keep moving forward. A quote made famous by the movie Meet The Robinson's. It's a children's movie, but the quote is great. My ex-gf probably uses this quote in her every day life to live life, because I recall her telling me "keep moving forward" when I was going through something, and now I don't even remember what that was.

This year has been the worst for me, in pretty much every aspect. Well, actually, somethings did well, like I have more social media followers now more than ever in my entire life. My face got destroyed though, I don't know if I will ever get my old smile and appearance back. I'm doing facial exercises and regaining weight now to try and regain my lost facial volume, not doing any creams or anything on my skin anymore due to breaking out to acne the past few times I've used them. So I don't know if I will ever recover in this area.

Financially, I did extremely poorly this year too. I can't even say the numbers, but it is likely worse than any number you can imagine for me. Thinking about it is too depressing.

I attended a party last night, Wednesday night. The cheapest homes in this neighborhood are $10 million for a condo, and those are the cheapest properties. I thought the cheapest properties were $5 million, but apparently that was last year. The home in which this party took place was probably $20 million easily. Probably 95% of the attendants to this party were from this neighborhood, so you can imagine the kind of wealth gathered here, everyone here was doing extremely well. I was one of the few guests, of maybe 3 people or less, who were not from this neighborhood and were just invited.

I talked to a lot of people and had a really good time, but with my face being changed, and financial loss, I certainly felt inadequate and depressed, though no one noticed. There was a pretty blonde/brunette girl who came up to me, who I've talked to a few times over the years, but just never remembered her name I guess. I was grabbing some snacks from a table and getting a mocktail drink from the bar, and she came up to me out of nowhere to chat. We chat for a while, for probably around 10 minutes, before a presentation started and we separated. After the presentation we talked to other guests.

Yeah I got to know a few people. I would say everyone here was kind. Everyone dressed extremely well, wearing of course the best outfits. I just wore some business casual attire, a polo and business pants, while other men at the party wore similar, some wore Hawaiian themed shirts. I like that my arm's circumference from gaining weight and doing workouts, now sort of bulges at the armhole. If I flex, then my arms feel sort of tight around the seams. Other than a tuxedo which I think would have been "too much", what other clothing could I have worn? Men don't really have many options, just a polo and dress pants. A regular shirt and pants would have looked so out of place here.

Yeah I talked to other people at the event. It made me re-evaluate my own life. Would I ever become as successful as anyone here? I am already supposed to be successful, hence a reason why I was invited to events like this, I'm supposed to be "one of them", but they are on different levels of success entirely. You can be part of a group, but there are different levels of people in a group. Just because you go to an Ivy league school or play a game like World of Warcraft, doesn't mean you aren't at the bottom rank of those things.

Anyway these people are doing things every day. They all have boats, yachts. Going on a trip to a nearby Virgin Island on their yacht is just another day and another story, I've listened to a few. These people have lives. I'm here obsessing and staying indoors because of my face, and it seems these people are having the times of their lives. Why aren't I living a life like that?

Yeah. I need to stop sulking. I need to move forward. Every day I have to make some progress. That's all I can do. Hopefully my future can align in a positive way for me. I will never waste another day again.

I think that every single day this past week I've had to go out to do things. This morning I had a car appointment, yesterday I went to this party, the night before I had to pick something up from AM and I visited his HQ too, Monday was the only day I don't remember doing anything. Maybe I just forgot. On Sunday I attended that other party. Tonight, I have plans to hang out with some friends. Tomorrow I have plans to fly back to Virginia to go traveling with my family, maybe celebrate Thanksliving (vegan version of Thanksgiving).

Just keep moving forward. That's the advice my ex-gf would give me. I texted her again tonight, finally replying to her messages she texted me a month ago. She called me last week. I told her I was going through some traumatic times in my text messages tonight. Maybe that was a mistake? The minor things I'm going through are pretty minor in the grand scheme of everything, other people like AD are suffering infinitely more, but it doesn't mean I can't suffer from my own problems.

Oh, I asked the blonde/brunette girl if she wanted to hang out if she were ever in my city, she said sure, and we exchanged contact info. I don't know if this means in a romantic sense or not, or if could lead to something romantic.

But yeah, the only thing I can really do is to keep moving forward. No matter how sad or depressed I get, to just keep moving forward. I keep breaking my good habits and streaks, I know I do. I am not very disciplined in this sense. I miss out on chores, and I often leave a mess. I have to clean my backyard and pull out all the weeds later this morning and evening, because I am flying out of here tomorrow. I have to do some laundry on my bedsheets and couch sheets, make sure my place is fully cleaned before leaving. Then I'm hanging out with some friends this evening.

It's tiring. Things are not easy. I am pretty stressed. But I just have to keep moving forward. That's all anyone can really do.

Oh yeah, I like being vulnerable in my journal entries. I feel like no one else is. Everyone else just hides it, their insecurities and everything. I doubt anyone is perfect on their chores, except for my parents. My parents are the best at doing all the chores, they work out every day, they eat a plant based diet too. I should be more like them, but man, I get tired. I just get tired. Day in and day out of doing the same things over and over, I don't understand how they can do that so easily.

Anyway, that was my day today.