Yea so I said the therapy session went great, it didn't. The thing is I am just dealing with the emotions now. My therapist was EXTREMELY dismissive. I am actually going to write her an email tomorrow asking to be discharged because I don't even want to see her again. I was already in the process of getting in with a new therapist, a trauma therapist because I felt she wasn't being very helpful. And this was just the final straw.
I opened up to her about my severe childhood trauma. Told her about some of the terrible things my mom would do to me with her anger issues. And she responds with "So you are feeling hurt because your mom yelled at you a lot" BITCH DID YOU NOT HEAR ANYTHING ELSE. Like that was the LEAST of all the traumatic things I told her about and THAT'S what she fixates on???
That's not helping me in the process of getting out of denial. Because I have spent the entire YEAR insisting that my childhood was great. I buried everything. I FUCKING BURIED IT BECAUSE I NEVER GOT TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIT. I never got a chance, I had maybe 3 good years of childhood, it took until I was 14 for my mom to go to therapy and change her ways and I am glad she did but I didn't get to process ANY of that because at 17 began the 5 years of being abused in hospitals.
WHAT THE FUUUUUCK. I don't want to wear this mask anymore. This mask that I was abused and bullied into. I used to have a voice so loud, I used to have opinions and thoughts of my own probably but I wouldn't know because my WHOLE CHILDHOOD WAS FUCKED.
There was literally NO before and after picture. NONE. It was just straight trauma, 3 years of break, and straight trauma. I can't continue to be positive and strong unless I heal my inner child, and I need to. I CANNOT be in denial any more I can't.
And I am ordering a rollator next month and kind of frustrated/upset. Don't get me wrong I am glad, I will finally be able to walk down to the river again like I used to love to do. But frustrated because why couldn't my doctor just HELP me. All she had to do was write a prescription for it. I am getting it regardless, been budgeting. But still, DO YOUR FUCKING JOB AND HELP ME.
And here's the real kicker. Those ENTIRE 5 years of medical trauma and years in psych wards could have been avoided if I had been given the chance and help and a safe space to process that childhood trauma.
I want to learn to speak with my own voice. I want to take up space in a room and in public and not feel the need to make myself smaller. I don't want to automatically apologize anytime I walk near someone in public. I DESERVE TO BE HERE TAKING UP SPACE. I don't want to be afraid or unable to say no or set boundaries.
I don't want to just put up with something that is making me uncomfortable for the sake of making others comfortable. I don't want to exist for the sake of other people's comfort period. I AM NOT AN ACTRESS I AM A PERSON. And this life, this life is MINE. I get to experience it, I WANT to experience it and I don't want to go through it as an actress on the stage jumping through the STUPID little hoops. I refuse to. I refuse to waste my life making everyone else happy at my own expense. They can all fucking leave, because damn it it is not worth my spirit. Gaining people's approval IS NOT WORTH IT if I am giving up myself to do so.
All of those people are going to be gone eventually. Everything is temporary. So I want to enjoy my life NOW before it's gone. If someone doesn't like me, they can go somewhere else. I am TIRED of always worrying about being too much and not enough. Trying to make sure I am giving enough in a conversation but not too much. Trying to not text or call or want to talk to people who I care about because I don't want to be too much. I have spent a LIFETIME making myself smaller, more palatable to other people, learning when to smile and nod, learning the stupid social games and rules.
I am tired. I care, I have so much empathy and love for people and the world. But if they can't accept it because I'm not showing it or offering it "the right way" they don't deserve it. Life is TOO DAMN SHORT and I am in too much pain to give any more fucks about people's opinions of me.
It is going to take a lot of work. But the first step is being aware of it. I have come out of denial about my childhood so now the work begins.
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