Sooo I wrote this like half an hour ago while having a breakdown and yeaaaaaa it's a bit much but I don't want to hold it in anymore. Also half way I did switch as if I was talking to bf idk why but it feels better after all that is out. I added the screenshots I mention and yea
I am so fucking done with this and my mind is going crazy rn. Being so hormonal while dealing with all this is absolutely crap. I really should get a therapist at this point but it takes money plus my mom and dad know nothing Abt all of the drama I go through and I don't trust them enough to tell them so y'all have to do. What happened this time? Well as anyone who has been following along would know, most of the shit I write here is bc of or related to my relationship, and this is too. I'm just gonna add the screen shots on here I don't even know how the fuck I'm supposed to explain rn. I'm just buzzing with hurt and anxiety and anger rn. Like I asked him for the bare minimum and he says I'm forcing him, but being a lil bitch I also shrunk again! Like girl why did you ask for it if it doesn't matter! It does fucking matter and I am always seeing everything clearly after its all done but when talking to him idk why I'm so soft. Idk why i care so fucking much and why I'm so attached to him I just am. I love him and he can't do this small thing for me and then he also ignores me the whole fucking day like why? Did i do something wrong here? I'm just trying to love you and you can't even do something small like that for me and you say you understand. If you get how much it means to me why can't you change a bit? Adjust a little? You say i deserve to be loved, get me out of all my crazy shit and then hurt me like this when you know how much it fucking matters to me. The worst part about all of this is that I am typing this out here rn but when I talk to you I would again go soft because I love you and I'm so fucking scared of losing you it hurts. It fucking hurts thinking about not having you to talk to, not having you to love, not having you there at the end of the day. It hurts so bad but I can't even say all of this to your fucking face even when all I have to do is type it and hit send. I fucking can't. Everything I say to you I think Abt it. I fuck up so many times I am terrified of getting on your nerves. Ok you say that you'll stay but I am still terrified I'll make you leave or hurt you in any way. I'm trying my best to keep your emotions comfy but it hurts me. I always fucking feel like you will stop giving a shit about my pathetic life and up and go because you'll realize how much better you fucking deserve and how much of a waste of time I am for you. But I still love you. I still want you. I don't understand why you hurt me but I hate that I can't even say it to your face that I'm hurt. Is love always supposed to just hurt? Every single damn time I give hoping you'll see it and be happy and respond but you don't so I give more and more but it's never gonna be enough to get your love would it? I just want to love you and for you to love me back but it just hurts me.
P.s. i removed the screenshots
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