Okay so today i was thinking abt this situation i got myself in and i saw a pattern. thought it would help getting it out here, maybe someone can get me clarity on this matter.
Basically i've had many good friend over the years up until now in my second last year of high school. I'm very social not in the parties and going out with friends kind of way but the quiet way, someone who asks about the people around and get to know them instead of just being in silence in moments like a bus ride, a long waiting around and stuff like that. i literally have classes in most of the junior grades and also good friends (arguably good) in my class as well but every time i get a special someone type of friend who just gets me in another way it always ends up side ways.
Incident one of this was in middle school. call her A. we were stuck to the hip from 4th grade till 6th. then she got into this friend circle and made friends with the girl bullying me and even after all of the sharing lunches, secrets and the small middle school stuff that silently says "i have your back" she chose the new friend circle.
incident 2 was in early high school. ofc A left me with some issues abt my esteem which later got bigger with more messed up stuff. so i didn't feel comfy letting someone be my friend again like that and took a few years to try again. Call her O. we met in 9th grade, both new comers to this school. we clicked, she was smart, short, calm, nerdy, i was dumber, taller, a bit more temper headed, and still nerdy enough. we clicked. i thought we did. one day in 10th we were talking with this duo of nerds in our class and i accidently cut one off out of frustration or maybe lack of patience. i don't even remember what exactly, she snapped at me that i didn't need to cut him off. maybe it was my fault. i thought that and went quiet after saying sorry to them both and her as well. she never yelled at me like she did them. i was confused, overthought abt it, an was withdrawn. maybe that's why she pulled away too. we ended up in this kind of civil thing for the rest of the year. it hurt. it still does. i do still miss her i would admit. the whole of 9th was a great experience for me bc of her and when i look back at it all i remember from that school year is moments with her. i lost her. maybe because of me.
incident three is of recent, just this december. I had made a friend in the bus i took everyday, k. i knew she was a bad influence. but she hit home. it was comfortable talking with her. i didn't have to be the good girl with perfect grades and a reputation with her, i can curse i can say whatever i wanted i could be whatever i wanted. this december we had a sports event. i had already told her 2 and a half years of no leaves and stress abt studies was burning me out, told her i'd take the week off while the event would be on. she called me the day before to demand i come. i didn't want to and told her. she hung up after getting me to say yes after twisting my words. i didn't go. not even intentionally. we had been traveling the day before and got home at 1 am. i slept in. i was going through stuff with bf and my health too, she was out of my mind. she just blocked me and ignored me the next time she showed up in school. it hurt again. and i don't know anymore.
Am the issue in everything? i feel like i am. i am the common denominator here after all. not everyone will pass me over if i was worth keeping around now right? i just don't get it. i have good friends with a bit of distance. i have had multiple year long friendships still going, but whenever i let someone be that close they just leave and it hurts. it makes me feel like i was just something for them to use and throw away. for A i used to help her study, for O she didn't fit in with a lot of our classmates at the time just like me, so we fit. for K she was also not someone used to the place and had little friends. i feel like when i was enough they just left me because i wasn't worth it anymore. A got new friends to rely on. O moved away and she did vibe with a lot of the girls in 10th who were new in our class. K is moving away after 2 months anyways and won't be coming to school much. what the fuck is up? if it is me then how the hell am i supposed to fix myself???
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