7:14 AM (of Saturday, July 25th 2020)
Today is Friday, July 24th 2020 and it was basically the same as the past 2 days, except without homework. I fell asleep at 12:30 AM last night and I woke up this morning at roughly 6:30 AM. I did all my normal log pictures, and then by 7 AM I was really bored. There was 2 hours before work started, and what was I to do?
Actually in hindsight I could have done any number of things. I could have walked outside for 2 hours, fulfilling my quota of 10k steps that morning. I could have worked on some homework assignments and even completed some of them as 2 hours is plenty. I could have worked on and solved 1 personal study problem, because 2 hours is plenty to solve one. I could have worked on some personal projects.
So yes in hindsight I could have done any number of things, but today morning I just felt so uninspired I guess, because I messed up twice yesterday, twice before that, I think another twice before that, and messing up really drains energy. So what I did that morning was just watch some YouTube videos. I really need to stop messing up. However, a good thing I did was I didn't mess up that morning unlike the previous two days. I held it in and just watched YouTube videos for two hours until 9 AM came and I started work.
Work was actually decent, I got more work done today than the previous two days simply because I didn't mess up before work.
After work though I took a nap at around 6:30 PM and I ended up waking up at 7:50 PM. I had planned on walking, but at this point it was too late. It wasn't dark yet, but it was going to get dark. It didn't rain either. Actually I could have walked outside no problem, I have walked outdoors plenty of times at 11 PM and had no issues, it being 7:50 PM was just another excuse for me to not do anything.
I did watch the WWDC 2020 video and was blown away by Apple's new updates and things they're coming up with in 2020. It made me really want to buy a MacBook Pro and even a new iPhone to fit with their ecosystem. The only problem is that Apple products are so expensive and out of my price range. I already own a top of the line Mac Mini from late 2012, and it is top of the line. I bought it for $500 a few years back used, but it's incredibly fast and powerful. The thing is Apple's next operating system Big Sur is going to discontinue support from anything older than 2013, so I am screwed. Well I can still use Catalina for whatever I want, but if I want the latest Apple updates I can't get that with my Mac Mini.
There was a time in 2016 that I bought a used top of the line 2013 Macbook Pro for $1600 (with the same specs as a 2016 Macbook Pro that would sell for $3200), and that was fun. Using that Macbook Pro was fun, but dang it was expensive. And I had to sell it after a year or maybe a few months for about $1200 because the Retina Display was too much for my eyes to handle and gave me eye strain. I didn't even get that full $1200 back because I had to pay eBay seller fees and then another 2-3% from PayPal.
I checked on eBay today and man Apple products sort of hold their value, they are all still very expensive if I want better spec products. They are also bid on a lot. I mean if there's any Macbook Pros under $500 they would have like 50 bids or something even if they're 5 years old. These products are seriously high in demand, but I just hate the "Apple Tax" and how expensive they are, and how you do have to buy a new system after a few years because they discontinue support for older systems. Why Apple?!? My Mac Mini is just as good today as it was several years ago, so it should still be able to get the latest update , but no.
Anyway I set up my Mac Mini again and played around with it. I updated it to MacOS Catalina, which is the latest operating system. However my system is incompatible with the next update which is Big Sur, which sucks. And yeah Apple products are cool, that Macbook Pro I held back then, was so tight. It felt like quality with its weight and build, seriously, it felt like a million dollar machine. I think I'm going to be getting another Macbook Pro if I can find a good one for under $500, but they are so high in demand I doubt I can get one. There are a lot of rip off listings selling 2010/2011 Macbook Pros for $800+ and it is such a rip off. There are also a bunch selling for under $500, but their specs suck.
Anyway I posted on another member's journal entry today who was having a really bad day, and I posted a self-fulfilling prophecy. Today wasn't over yet, but I posted something like "Yeah the past 2 days for me have not been great, and today will probably be a third slump. I'll probably do some bad things again tonight to justify that as the last time I do bad things, and then tomorrow I'll restart." and that is exactly what happened. I messed up again twice tonight. You know, I barely felt it that time. I have messed up so many times recently, like probably around 30 times in less than 15 days, that any of the highs I'm supposed to feel I just barely feel now.
I mean the longest time I have gone without messing up so far this entire year, was 4 days, and I wrote about those 4 days. On the 4th day I felt a "natural high" after not messing up for that many days, and I began to experience pleasure in normal everyday tasks. I think I'm going to just stop messing up again starting tomorrow and see how far I go. It's going to be hard to believe that someone messes up a lot like this, so many times, every day, and yeah actually messing up is a euphemism for something else, obviously. I wrote about watching YouTube videos but that's not the same as messing up. I'm not going to explain what it is exactly but it is a euphemism and I am done doing it.
Let's see how long I can last for this time without messing up once? The last time I messed up I guess was a bit after midnight on July 25th 2020, around 12:30 AM, and the last time before that was at 12:02 AM less than 30 minutes earier, and the last 2 times before that was between 8 AM and 9 AM on July 24th, and then the last time before that was around 11 PM of July 23rd, and so on and so forth. Yes I do remember the times in my head. I didn't write them down, but I looked at the times as I was messing up and can recall the exact minutes. I'm going to forget after a while, so I'm just writing them down now. We'll see how far my streak can go for this time.
Truth be told I am really exhausted from messing up so many times. it is a tiring experience. If I mess up once it takes one day to recover, if I mess up multiple times in a day it takes an exponential amount longer, especially if I mess up again before a full recovery. I read online there are different theories for how long it takes to fully recover, some are posting 30 days after messing up to fully recover, and other sources are saying 90 days. I have never lasted that long since 2017.
I would say that so far, 2017 was my prime in my appearance, that's when my profile photo was taken and I just had a lot of guys and girs liking my selfies on Instagram, people I didn't even know. I looked good in whatever I wore and I had attractive girls talking to me in real life and inviting me to events and such. That time was when I ate the least and that was when I had my longest streak of not messing up, which was probably 60 days. I eat so much today because I mess up so many times and it makes me very hungry and very thirsty and very tired. I had pictures of the food I ate back in the day, and I just ate a total of 4 plates basically the entire day of not that much food, today I'm eating like 9 plates full of food because I mess up a lot. And of course I was vegan at the time back then too, since at least 2013 if not earlier.
Messing up is just such a bad habit. I have been messing up basically every day since I discovered it, with my longest streak of not messing up being in 2017. There's supposed to be magical powers granted to those that don't mess up for a while. I don't know if that is true, but I guess we'll find out.
Anyway that was my entire day basically. It was a lot of YouTube, a lot of Apple products, a lot of messing up, well not that much messing up but I thought about it a lot. I ended up not completing 3 most and 1 must. 0. I completed 0 of those. For tomorrow I have the same exact 3 most and 1 must: walk 10k steps, solve 1 problem, trifecta, and work on at least 1 homework assignment. This can all be done in about 3-4 hours if I just do it all at once.
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