Aug. 12, 2020

Another Good Day That Could've Been Better

9:34 PM

I fell asleep last night at around 1:30 AM, and I woke up this morning at around 7 AM. I ended up messing up again last night before going to sleep, and then I messed up again this morning. It did affect my work performance a little bit, but I didn't do anything else today that was bad. I worked on some projects this morning and also tried to record a video, but I gave up on the video without even starting simply because I just wasn't in the mood to record it.

Work was okay today. I had an excellent and productive day yesterday, so that carried a little bit onto today. But from messing up, my entire everything was just screwed up and so obviously I wasn't going to be as productive. I have to reset that streak yet again. So far my record has been going 5 days without messing up this year, I still have not beaten that record yet or even come close, my second is 3 days, and I think I only got up to that point twice this entire year.

Also I did my employee self-evaluation last week and my supervisor took a look at it today and gave his own feedback and evaluation. I got a very good evaluation, which was nice. I'm just ashamed at how my performance was hindered today and it was all due to messing up. I still haven't had a week yet where I haven't messed up, all year. I still don't know what that would feel like, I can't even imagine it.

After work I just took a nap. I couldn't make myself do anything else. When I woke up, I had that familiar feeling of existentialism and transience. I always get this feeling after waking up from a long restful nap, it feels like I just woke up from being dead, I'm usually drooling and feel so existential afterwards as if I were someone else waking up onto this body into this present time with all these memories, and I start thinking about family members and other people around me and how temporary we all were. I don't get that feeling all the time, but I get it after taking a good long nap, it's a feeling that slaps me quickly back into reality.

Anyway I've done everything I wanted to do today, I just haven't taken my 10k steps yet and have to do that tonight, just like the previous 2 days. Another thing I did badly on was I messed up twice today, once last night before going to sleep and then once again this morning, which messed up the rest of my day. My day wasn't as good as it potentially could have been.

Anyway I'm going to go out for a walk now, I didn't walk in the morning or afternoon today, so I'll have to walk again tonight just like the previous two nights.

11:50 PM

I'm back from my walk, I got my 10k steps in again today, and my streak keeps on going upwards. I've created 7 automatic streaks so far, and all of them I have not had to reset, except for the "messing up" streak in which case I had to reset that twice just today. I'm 2 days into my other streaks, but they'll be 3 days once today ends which is in a few minutes.

My 6 Limited Edition Clif Bars arrived today, and they are pictured. I'm not super into Clif Bars, I just happened to have 4 of these limited edition ones before which I kept in a drawer. But one day I messed up, which caused me to become hungry afterwards, and because there wasn't anything else available, I ate all four of them in one go, making me regret it. So I just ordered these 6 so I can keep them in the drawer again and improve my mental discipline of resisting urges.

Anyway I learned some new things while I walked tonight. I feel like my walk tonight gave me permission to be me. I've lately, I guess after age 18, I started to try and specialize in something, find one thing I wanted to be good in and just stick to that forever. I would say that's not been great for me, I've been unhappy whenever I would stumble upon or be placed in situations where I couldn't specialize or where I didn't see myself doing that activity forever. From thinking and walking tonight, I've realized, why limit myself to one specialty? I've decided to not be so constrained, and to start pursuing again anything I was interested in. Based on that, I've been set free.

Written by JustMegawatt

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Posted On Aug 14, 2020

I don't quite know what you mean by messing up, but I do know that with most things the first 3 days are the hardest, and forming a habit takes at least 21 days on average. It might be difficult but if you did 5 days in a row once you can do it again- I believe in you! Just take it one day at a time.

Posted On Aug 14, 2020

@iyazo Thanks, yeah, messing up is a euphemism for a certain addiction I have. It's really hard for me to go even a day without messing up once, it's the hardest addiction for me to beat.

Posted On Aug 14, 2020

@lays_chips I turned 18 a long time ago lol. Yeah the ideology of specializing in just one thing came when I was around 18, and I've been frustrated since, because every year I'd be doing something new (usually due to circumstance) when I wanted to just sit down and specialize in one thing. Last night I realized I'm not that kind of person that can just stick to one thing. I enjoy doing multiple things in multiple fields, so screw it, I'll do whatever I want, working on multiple projects at the same time if I want, jumping around from one activity to another if I want. I'm not going to limit myself anymore, and that set me free.

Posted On Aug 14, 2020

@lays_chips If you knew my history, I've actually done all of those things, more successfully, at a younger age than 18 (except for having a job, I didn't get my first job until I was 21). You think I've only had one YouTube channel or one website, or that I've only done these things recently haha :P

Posted On Aug 15, 2020

@lays_chips Ahh ok, I didn't know about AA, I only know what a social worker had told a group therapy session I attended once. I'm sure it's different for everyone, too.

@JustMegawatt I've struggled with addiction in the past as well and know how hard it can be. I wish you luck! Keep in mind that I care and I know you can do it!! You can do so many other things successfully, so why not this too, right? ;)

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