Off Track

Yesterday was technically moving day for me. I moved most of my stuff into a larger storage unit and now all that I have at the apartment with me are the essentials and a few comfort items. I feel really alone right now. The emptiness and silence of being alone here are getting to me. I guess when the month is up I'll be moving everything into storage until I can find a place. I've been messaging people on a site called roomster all day, but have yet to have anyone reply about available rooms... There were a couple that looked ok so I hope I hear something back.

I've fallen off track with the rest of my life though, unfortunately. I really started slacking on working out, reading, meditation, and even basic things like eating...I haven't eaten more than a few crackers in 3-4 days. I also keep waking up earlier and going to bed later every day, so my insomnia is getting worse as well. I know it's all due to stress, but there's very little that I can actually do about it.

At least for a slight break on Saturday I'll be going out to a different trail than before with the friend who brought me last time. I'm not sure if we're doing another clean-up or just going to watch the sunrise, but it will be a nice break either way. So I have that to look forward to.

It's hard to focus on anything other than the immediate with the problems that I face. I wish that I could just sleep, but insomnia keeps me away from that. I've tried smoking, but all that does anymore is barely level me out to stable. I realize I'm in a bad place and others are finally starting to realize it as well. I talked to my therapist the other day though and she said something that kind of stuck with me and made me feel terrible- for some reason she got the idea in her head that I run to the hospital every time something goes wrong, so when I mentioned to her that I think I need more help and I'm thinking about going she said maybe it would be better to just let things happen. I was like excuse me?? Did she literally just tell me I'd be better of on the streets being homeless than going and getting mental help and support that I lack right now?! I disagree with her. I'm starting to think that she's really not the best therapist, at least for me, but I'm limited by state insurance for which there is very little help.

I'm getting frustrated even thinking about it and what I should do...I just don't know anymore... I really do only see one way out and it's terrifying.