I decided to not go downstairs during the morning Zoom lessons because my husband is home and will be playing video games. Which means I'm working at my desk. It doesn't mean I'm getting much done. I did try. Before I did this journal entry or anything else really, I opened the chapter I'm supposed to be rewriting and worked on it for nearly a half hour (with a bit of a break when I took the trash out in the middle).
I managed to push the new stuff I was writing together with the scene I wrote in 2017 and got all the way to the end before I realized it just wasn't going to work. Trying to force them together when I've changed so much of the story that comes before that just doesn't work. So why am I doing it? I should just write a new scene without worrying about using the stuff I already had. All that work I did this morning is going to be tossed. Sigh.
And now I don't want to work on it anymore because I'm frustrated with myself and tired.
I'm just frustrated with life right now. This depression sucks. The meds I'm on don't seem to be helping. I'm tired all of the time. I'm wondering if the burst of energy I had back in August was a manic episode brought on by the new meds because after upping the dosage, I haven't felt that again. I can barely drag myself out of bed when my alarm goes off at 7am then I sit there like a slug until I have an entire pot of coffee which finally starts to perk me up around 10--just in time to eat lunch and get sleepy from that. Ugh.
This isn't working or me. The house is a mess. My room smells like cat pee because of the litter box in the bathroom, but I don't have the energy to keep it clean. It's gross. I can keep my bathroom door closed which helps the rest of the room but concentrates the smell in the small bathroom so it reeks in there. I did manage to clean out the litter box and empty the trash this morning, but as soon as I was done, Bellamy just had to use the litter box. I'm not complaining really because a year ago, he wouldn't use it at all and would just pee in a corner somewhere. At least he went where he was supposed to go even if he just made more work for me.
I'm just so... annoyed by everything. I don't know if that's a side effect of the depression or what. Like I'm sitting here and getting upset because there are cobwebs all over my room because I haven't dusted in years. But I can't even reach the ones that are bugging me because we have super tall ceilings and the long-handled duster has no covers left. Not to mention, I don't have the energy to go around my room wiping the walls down. And how dumb is that? It's literally just walking around my room. How can I not have the energy for that? But I don't. But I need to clean it or I'll never be able to relax. But if I force myself to clean, I won't have the energy to do anything else--I'll be stuck in bed all day recovering it. And since I don't feel rested after sleeping... ugh ugh ugh.
Tomorrow is also my appointment with sleep medicine. My anxiety is up. My husband told me to start taking my anxiety pills yesterday to try and keep it in check, but I forgot last night. I should probably take one now, but it'll add to the sleepiness. Blah. Then I got an email last night about signing up for parent-teacher conferences coming up. I hate them. So much anxiety involved and these are all zoom meetings.
I know I can do it. I got through the online doctor visit, so I can do this, but it sucks. And it's always me that has to do all of this because my husband is busy or just doesn't care enough to go. I usually have to force him to go to the regular ones. Usually it's just me, though.
Knowing I can get through them doesn't really help my anxiety leading up to the days.
Yeah, definitely need to go take a pill before I start freaking out over nothing. I can feel myself on edge--like anything could tip me over into panic mode. Maybe I should turn on a favorite movie and get lost in some knitting or something. I have a few small projects that need finishing so that I can put away and/or clean up the yarn. Or I could make another pumpkin (I want to make a bigger orange one using double strands of yarn)--my grandson stole the little yellow one.
I really need to work on this fanfic, though.
Ugh. It's so hard to make decisions and get anything done when I feel like this.
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