Just Depressed

I didn't make an entry yesterday because all I could think to write was how depressed I was. Well not much has changed since yesterday. I don't even want to get out of bed and ended up "sleeping" half the day and went to bed early because there seemed to be no more point in staying awake since I was so miserable.

I just don't see a point in getting up anymore or even being alive. It's just misery day after day. Ugh.

I did make an appointment with my shrink because things only seem to be getting worse. I more unstable than I have been in a long time and I don't know if that's just a biproduct of forcing my mood up since I was stable but that meant I a jut flat-line depressed. Now I'm all over the place--feeling manic one day, suicidal the next, so depressed I can function and a few hours later, writing 2000 words of a story. I think mood stabilizers should probably actually stabilize your mood, not make it more up and don.

Anyway, the soonest I could get an appointment a NEXT Wednesday. Sigh. My meds will run out in 4 day and I'll have to pay another $50 only to take the for 4 more days and find out I won't take them anymore or something. I was hoping to avoid that, but the only appointments for this week were today at 8am and tomorrow at 8 or 8:30am, but that's right when the 10yo has his zoom classes and uses my phone.

I tried to set Zoom up on my laptop but couldn't get the microphone to work for some reason and wasn't in the mood to figure it out at the time. So next Wednesday it is. I did opt to be told if an earlier appointment comes up just in case but I doubt it.

Sleep med also left a ticket on my MyChart but I don't know what it means. It's on the scheduling thing but just says "future" that expires in January but no explanation. I assume there was supposed to be a phone call with it. Those go to my husband's number because my phone gives me so much anxiety, but he hasn't had any calls. I assumed I wouldn't hear anything over the weekend. Maybe the tag got added to the account but the call will come today to explain what I have to do?

I have a parent-teacher conference tomorrow at noon. Ugh. I just hate them and have been anxious over it all weekend. I just want to get all these appointments out of the way.

Really, I just feel like going back to bed because there doesn't seem to be a point to be awake. I literally can't think of anything to do. I should try to further outline my fanfic sequel but I don't think I have the focus for that. I can't think of a single thing to watch on Netflix or whatever. I could put something on, but I know I won't pay attention or enjoy it. I don't feel safe or welcome in any forum/social media. Some of them are emotionally exhausting because reading stuff from idiots (many of them family I used to respect until recent politics and the pandemic--it's depressing). There's just nothing to do. I can't even go read a book because I won't be able to physically keep my eyes focused because I feel sleepy.

Nothing will get better until I figure this sleep apnea out but insurance is dragging their feet, ugh.

Maybe if I have some coffee, I'll perk up? But that means going downstairs and making it which means first I have to clean up the kitchen to get to the coffee pot and empty the trash so I can empty to old grounds and ugh. I'm not sure I have the energy. I wish I had my own pot up here just for me. But then I'd need a place for my creamer. I'd settle for powdered mix if it meant not having to go downstairs for coffee. But better yet, would love a mini fridge and microwave with the coffee pot. I could have my creamer and some easy to microwave food in my room and only need to leave to cook dinner for everyone else.

Leaving my room usually sends me into a rage because the rest of the family just makes this huge mess and expects someone else to clean it. Normally that would be me, but I haven't had the energy in so long. The other day, the 17yo went on a full-house cleaning spree so it looks better. But I cooked dinner and no one cleaned that up so it's my job. I guess I'm supposed to do all the labor of cooking for them and cleaning it up after while they just chill.

See, this is how my brain is working now--everything brings me down and I can't escape the negative thoughts. I don't know what to do.

I should probably quit thinking about it and just go do something else. Coffee first then try to write something. I do still have some chapters that need more editing. Maybe that will help me focus?