Getting Better?

Well, I'm up before 10am today and feeling okayish?

I'm having a hard time telling what is and isn't working with all of the new meds and treatments. For a while, I was naturally getting up at 6am, and I kind of miss that. I could get a lot done in the morning while sitting quietly in my room. And I was mostly staying awake until midnight, although, the fatigue would set in during the late evening so I did do much then. But slowly, I started getting up later and later. Then school started and I needed to be up by 7am. The first week, I got up on my own before my alarm and would get the kitchen cleaned so that I was ready to settle down and work at 7:50am when the 10yo started his Zoom classes.

A couple weeks after that, I started getting up at 7am and not getting downstairs until 7:30 which didn't leave time to do all of the cleaning. Not that I had the energy for it. Eventually, even that became a struggle, and the few couple of weeks, I would ignore the 7am alarm and not get up until the 7:50 one went off to start classes. Then a couple weeks ago, I would only get up at 7:50 long enough to hand my phone over to the 10yo and then I would go back to bed, usually getting up when he brought the phone back at 10am when classes were over (which is also when my alarm to take my meds goes off).

And then, getting out of bed was a chore because I was so tired. I think the burst of getting up early and feeling better was that med I was on. I think it made me manic, but my depression is so bad that manic just looks like everyone else's normal. And eventually the mania went away, leaving me more fatigued than ever. I went off that med a few weeks ago and I'm not sure how well the new one is working. I'm so depressed all of the time but a lot of that is related to the constant fatigue and being unable to do anything. I can't enjoy the things I used to enjoy (like writing, reading, crafts or even watching TV) because I'm so incredibly tired, my brain can't focus. Anything that requires concentration is usually out of the question. I can't read at all. I just read the same paragraph over and over, never understanding anything because it's too complicated for my brain. So, yeah, depressed. Who wouldn't be depressed when all you can manage is to stare at a wall for hours at a time?

Hopefully, after using the CPAP for a few weeks, I'll be able to tell more if the meds are working. I did get the report for my blood test which showed my lithium was low despite taking it for about two weeks. The note from the doctor said they don't normally adjust meds based on that alone, and we can discuss how things are at our next appointment (which is Wednesday). I'm thinking she might bump the lithium up some since it's not in the normal range and I'm still depressed. At least I feel more stable. The other stuff was making me feel crazy--having mixed episodes and rapidly cycling between depression and hypo-mania. It wasn't fun

They did say it could take a month before I really noticed any difference from the CPAP treatments so I'm trying to stay optimistic. I think I've been sleeping better at least. If my cats would stop waking me up in the middle of the night, I might sleep straight through again. I haven't done that in awhile. And I don't feel like I'm waking up every few minutes. The one issue I've run into is naps. I've still felt tired enough to need a nap during the day, but now it feels like such a hassle just to do that.

I have to clean different parts of the mask and machine each morning, so to take a nap, I have to put the machine and mask back together, get it situated on my face and turn it on. And wearing my eye mask with it doesn't work well and it's so bright during the day. In the end, taking a nap is too much trouble. Yesterday, I just sat in my chair until I fell asleep because I couldn't stay awake any longer. I didn't have the energy to set everything up for a nap.

I only slept for a few minutes because my neck started hurting. That seemed to be enough to perk me up, but I missed just being able to crawl into bed and nap whenever. It was always the easiest thing to do when I felt like crap. Now it's complicated and ugh.

I guess I'll figure it out in time.