13 - 12 - 20

I forgot the name of this website, so I haven't been able to write here recently.

I realized that my mother has been directing my anger towards her actions and diverting them onto an easier target, my sister. I hate this. My sister is just annoying, it's my mother who's hurtful. She's definitely the cause of my disordered eating. Also, the more I learn about ADHD and autism (as in the shared behaviors that neurotypicals misinterpret), the more I learn about myself, and the more I realize that most of my mother's reasons for getting mad at me or being annoyed by me is purely due to my ADD. She punishes me for something I cannot control. It is exhausting to pretend to be neurotypical both in and out of the house. I can't wait until I move out. I don't know how married couples do it, I don't feel like people are meant to live together for extended periods of time. AND! If I ever stand up for myself I'm either being disrespectful and selfish, and I am punished, or my mom knows she's wrong and makes a scene out of it in which she storms off and cries because I supposedly have hurt her feelings for, for example, calling her out on being a hypocrite in a way that is actually harming me.

I was not allowed to get a driver's license for 2 years, and now I can't because of COVID, and I was prevented from getting a job, so I have no money. I can't run away because I need their health insurance for my meds. I also have my cat relying on me and I have to bear the brunt of the malice to protect my sister. I want to be The mentally ill child in the family, I don't want them to mess her up like they did to me.