14 - 12 - 20

Do you ever get scared that people don't care as much as you do?

I know it's selfish to expect a gift back from someone after you give them a gift, but as someone whose love language is presents and who is extremely self conscious, getting a gift back, no matter how small, feels like a guarantee, a promise that they actually do enjoy your presence.

Anyways, I'm scared because I tried as hard as I could during this pandemic to give gifts to ALL of my friends and to give good gifts to my immediate family too. I don't even have any cash left to buy myself shampoo. I really wanted to show my appreciation to people in the only way I know how. And somehow, I am scared that my own family will give me back crappy cheap gag gifts, when I went and got them personalized, extremely thought-through, actually useful gifts that they had been expressing interest in throughout the entire year. I even made it easy for them to get me something I am sure to like and use, I created a wishlist with a shit ton of details. And what if my friends don't give me anything? Am I actually their friend? I know if I tell people about this fear they will call me selfish, since when you give a gift you should not expect anything in return, that is the nature of a gift. But I'm not asking for much, a small piece of origami, their leftover halloween candy they don't like, an old shirt they don't wear but think would match my aesthetic, a portion of a baked good.

Idk, I just don't want to feel like nobody is thinking about me or that nobody cares.