Blue Christmas

Today I managed to wake up at a reasonable hour. I smelled really fucking disgusting, so I took a long, hot shower. I used my roommate's soap because it smells really good and they use my stuff all of the time, so I'm sure it's fine. I switched back to Herbal Essences shampoo because it makes my hair look healthy and light and wavy. I use Tea Tree sometimes because it's good for my scalp, but it's expensive, so I don't mind using something else. After that Michael came to pick me up early for my appointment, so we did a little running around first. I went to the bank, Target, and then Walmart because target didn't have what I needed, the pharmacy, and the dispensary (whew! Lots of running around!). I don't know how I managed to forget that it was so close to a major holiday, but the stores were packed... That said, my agoraphobia wasn't that bad at all today! I did have my vape in the car and used it though, so maybe using that preemptively was a good idea.

I got my groceries all hoarded up in my room. I did buy some things for everyone in the house, but primarily I bought simple, mostly self contained meals for myself like soups. I got a bunch of sweet potato and butternut squash soup and a few other ones I haven't tried yet. I got a table to set up my computer at, but it ended up being too large. I'll have to go back for the smaller one and exchange this one tomorrow... I'm a bit disappointed about that because I was really hoping to set that up tonight, then I would have a bit more room to work with. I at least managed to dismantle and move the shitty falling apart desk and move it down to the basement. That thing couldn't hold my laptop if I asked politely, let alone my tower. A plain folding table is just fine for a desk and a lot cheaper. I'm not a fancy person.

After I set that up, I'm hoping I can unpack more and set up some things around it, like my altar. I really wanted to have it set up tonight for Yule, but apparently it wasn't in the cards. Once I got everything as put away as it gets up here I logged onto zoom for my church's Blue Christmas event, lighting a candle for the longest night of the year (this is my first year actually observing Advent, which is apparently isn't something all Christians do, just some sects, so I learned that today). I've been blessed to have people checking in on me because this time of year isn't easy for me and a lot of other people. It's the longest night of the year and hard for people who struggle with depression or grief. At the dispensary I picked up some cartridges on sale that are good for depression (Citrus Sap) and sleep (Afgooey). I wonder if I can incorporate their use somehow into my practice... I'm still thinking about setting up my altar. If I have energy later I might start building my little wire shelves that I want to set up on the desk and put it there for now. Burn a little incense or a candle for Yule.

When I went to my doctor's appointment earlier, she poked around a bit to see how the stitches were coming along and I bled a little... The stitches inside of my body are still delicate and only just starting to heal now. I can still feel the hard lump of one in the center of my abdomen. She said it will be another month at least until things are back to normal for me and that I was probably pushing myself too hard- I don't want the big stitch in my midsection to pop because that's apparently holding up my abdominal wall... so I really need to chill with my ab workouts in particular. I talked to my doctor about how I didn't know the ovaries actually produces estrogen, I thought it was all in the brain (probably really dumb, I know). She looked at me telling her I was suffering from awful hot flashes and the entire reason I wanted the surgery- so that I wouldn't have to do my own testosterone injections anymore, and she said "I am so, so, so sorry." She said she treated me like she does all her other patients, who usually come from a different doctor and she hadn't realized how much prepping and legwork he actually did for her compared to my regular hormone doctor, whose responsibility it was not to prep me for surgery.... so this doctor feels like she failed me, in a way, and she kind of did I'm not going to lie. I know there are other methods of taking testosterone, but the injections are the only ones covered by my insurance and I don't want to do the gel because it's sticky/goopy and gross. So now I have to take estrogen to stop the hot flashes which is not ideal as someone who is transgender and not a woman. The good thing is if it makes my body dysphoria too bad, I can go back on the testosterone injections. I'll just be taking ALL of the hormones.... I'm become Gendered, destroyer of worlds.

Ok now I'm just being silly. I've done things a bit backwards again today, so I'm going to go (gently) work out for a half hour now, then do a half hour of yoga. I'm feeling better after writing all of this out and resting for a while. Once I'm a little bit worn out again (I had caffeine too late in the day...) maybe I'll sit and open the Magic the Gathering fat pack I got at the store earlier, as a treat. Hopefully that will give me something good enough to build a deck with to play with Brett/Tame again (they go by Brett now, again). I found out the other day that right now they have covid though. They're a very fit person, it takes a lot to knock them down so hopefully they'll be back to normal soon.... When we talked the other day they didn't seem too down about it, though it sounded pretty bad. I'm sure they're eager to get back to welding and climbing. I found out they run a surprisingly popular welding instagram account and they had posted some pictures of climbing up a huge sheer cliff. To me, that's terrifying. I'm a bit sad my fear of falling prevents me from trying out their hobby with them sometime, but it's something really deep-seated in me... I'm fine being up high as long as my feet aren't touching anything, for some reason that makes me feel safer. Anyway, if I get something good I'll probably post it~ Time to go work out!