Truecrime and Tablets

I spent this afternoon calling around and trying to find a new dentist close to me that takes my insurance. There aren't many that do to begin with, so it's difficult... I ended up going and leaving a really nasty review for the one place which made me feel so bad that I stopped calling around to places. They refused to schedule me to even see me once I mentioned that I'm transgender and that my ID names are different, but I have the court document showing that that is my real legal name, different from my birth name. I have NEVER been turned away like that by any business. After looking at some other reviews I saw that they apparently talk about politics and their strict religion while working on people's mouths.... bullet dodged, I guess.

I'm glad I was brave enough to call places though. Calling places usually gives me anxiety. I also had to message my roommate asking about a package that was supposed to have arrived for me over a week ago now. Here I couldn't find it because someone brought it in, opened it, and then put it behind the couch.... What the fuck... At least it was just food and not like a vibrator or something like that I wouldn't want anyone seeing. It's still technically illegal to mess with someone else's mail and now I know to look out because my own housemates just might try stealing from me if they open my package and take it without telling me like this... I'm a little bit mad.

I'm trying to calm myself and just be chill, but of course now my anxiety is really bad. Keeping myself occupied helps though. One of the things I've been doing to keep busy lately is watching Bailey Sarian's videos which are get ready with me makeup videos where she talks about truecrime mystery and murder cases. I've been fascinated by stuff like that since back when I was in high school and living with my aunt, who was a paralegal at the time, and who also watched a lot of mysterious shows or murder cases on tv. Recently I've been keeping in touch with that aunt of mine a lot. It's nice to just be able to talk to her about anything, because she knows me and how I've struggled with anorexia, anxiety, and depression like a lot of people in our family have. So in a weird, roundabout way those types of videos comfort me. That youtuber in particular I find kind of funny because she'll censor a lot of things she says... even the word murder which is in the title of the show... so I just find it really funny because no matter what the sentence and context actually is my brain fills it in with "fuck."

I dread the upcoming new year. I really want to hope that it's not going to suck, but I know it's also not going to automatically stop sucking once the new year rolls over. I wonder if my housemates have plans for new years. Nothing has been brought up about it. I wonder if I'll be alone. I've considered sending a message to Jon, but I have a feeling even if I do no good will come of it. I want things to go back to the way they were before he abused me and that is just impossible now... We can't trust each other. That's no way to reform a friendship with someone. Still without him I feel like something is missing. I'm used to having someone watch over me. I'm probably considered to be codependent to an unhealthy degree.

I've considered saying fuck it and only paying $300 in rent. It's supposed to be 600, but I can't afford it, it's plague times and nobody has any money really. Plus I want to just go ahead and buy the tablet that I want to draw with and hopefully increase my productivity... Or at least that's the gamble I'd be taking, not knowing if anyone would even pay for my art... Is digital really so much better? I remember one of my old digital works of my character sitting on a bus bench got so many more notifications and notice than all of my other work, and I knew it was far from my best. It's a bit disheartening that people don't value traditional art quite as much when if anything it's more difficult and long term far more expensive to keep buying special tools for. I still will always love the feel of traditional. I really hope a tablet emulates that feeling enough for me to like it and use it often enough to justify doing this.