Plateau

I got my stimulus the other day. I wasn't expecting it so suddenly. I can't have over $1k in my account because I'm on disability. It's a stupid rule to keep people like me poor. I need to get a new laptop though. At this point anything has to be better than the 10-12 year old one I have now which I just use for youtube while I sleep basically. That's about all it can handle. I also wanted to get something for drawing though and I'm not sure how I'll feel about digital art still so I'm not sure if I should get a cheap laptop and screen tablet for drawing or an all in one touch screen tablet.... My friend recommended the samsung galaxy tablet he has, but I'm not sure about drawing apps and using it for my youtube playlists because it runs on android and I'm used to windows. I was looking at the acer spin 3 laptop as sort of an in between, but another friend said that the screen wasn't really that good for art. I feel a bit lost.

I haven't been doing a lot of the things I've been saying I'm going to get done lately, which is a bad habit for me to fall into. The other day all I did was sleep. People tell me this is ok, I'm mourning my friend's death, but as usual my brain tells me it's not and I need to be doing something constantly. When I woke up today I stayed in bed for probably an hour, just wanting to go back to sleep. I have nothing to get up for anyway. When I was at the pharmacy the other day I bought a bottle of cough syrup. The kind with mostly just DXM in it that I used to use to get fucked up. Yeah I planned on doing that. But I woke up and I've been really hungry today. I haven't eaten anything yet because it's better to take DXM on an empty stomach because it will usually make you throw up drinking that much of it... but instead of self harming like that doing drugs I actually feel like eating and playing video games or something. Maybe another day. It's nice to have something around for me to go numb and fuck around, but I'm also kind of glad I'm at least being somewhat responsible with it... I don't know I might still take it.

It tends to be really interesting when you go through the different "plateaus" of being high, at the higher doses being able to have synesthesia-like effects where I can feel sound and see more colors than I can even describe. It's pretty wild. I haven't done it in over a year, so I would be breaking my streak. The only person that mattered to was me and I don't even really care that much. It would be fun if I could draw in that state, but it makes my body all wacky and uncooperative with a sense of vertigo- It's best to ride out the 6+ hour high laying down somewhere comfortable and listening to music, which also is in color.

It sounds cool, but I super highly don't recommend doing it because it's really easy to fuck it up and overdose and die, so don't be like me.

Once I finally got my ass out of bed I did my workout and yoga routine right away- really pushing myself to do it. I struggled a little bit, but I got them both done. I tried a difficult new yoga pose. I don't know what it's called but you stand with one leg up crossed over top of the other like a flamingo and then do a full forward fold over your leg. It gives a nice stretch and I didn't lose my balance today yay! (I have naturally poor balance due to inner ear problems I had as a kid and the way my feet are shaped with high arches)

I'm stuck on what to do next.....do I eat and play video games or do I do a funtime drug and really force myself to chill out for once... Neither are really productive for processing grief. I'm stuck at the bottom of the plateau. In an ideal world I can have all things, but it's not. I started off on a forced good note and now I'm just left feeling empty and depressed, even more so than usual.