April 4, 2021

Did Chores Mainly, Tinder, and Dishonored

7:20 AM (of Monday, April 5th 2021)

Today is Sunday, April 4th 2021 and it was a relatively more productive day than normal. My morning was especially good. I fell asleep last night at around 9 PM and I woke up at around 5 AM, so I got around 8 hours of sleep. I think that may be the first time I got that much. Ever since coming to Puerto Rico, I start to feel sleepy and tired at around 9 PM usually, but most of the time I push through and do some other non-memorable activities. I think for the future, I need to sleep once I feel tired, and not try to persist any longer, because it's not as if I'm doing anything remarkable by staying up later.

My morning was great. I did a bunch of chores. One of the first things I did was washed some of the dishes, which is a normal daily activity anyway. I have to wash the dishes every day if I want to use them, because I only have a limited amount of dishes and utensils to use, I have to wash them on a daily basis. I only have 1 pot for rice, 1 pot for beans, I have only 2 of each utensil (spoon, knife, fork), I have 2 glasses for drinks (one of which I use to store the utensils, so that is never used). I have 2 small plates and 2 big plates, and 2 bowls. Throughout the day I use up a good chunk of these tools and leave them in the sink, so I have to wash them if I want to use them again, which is a daily occurrence.

After the dishes were clean, I did the laundry. I left some clothes in this pool of water in the sink last night, and I just let it sit there. This is so I don't have to rub and scrub at all, leaving it there gives it essentially the same effect. I mean of course rubbing and scrubbing is going to be more effective, but it also takes up time and the results are always uncertain, and rubbing and scrubbing feels weird to do. There could be some stain or something, and I can just be scrubbing this shirt with it self over and over, and the stain won't come off. So I dunno, I don't like rubbing and scrubbing.

I rinsed and hung the laundry outside to dry. This is the easy part. I just put them onto these hangers and hang them outside. Not difficult at all. I only washed half of my laundry today though because that's all that could fit in the sink.

Then I cleaned up the kitchen, just wiping down some stains from water drying up and wiping up a bunch of the dry brown rice crumbs too. I cleaned up the living room too, folding my sleeping bag and blanket over, and putting away my pillows. Then I backed up some servers.

I texted a friend that I did all these things in the morning, because I was so proud of myself. Like yeah bro, look at me getting things done. I like this friend that I texted, because we are both very similar. Rational, practical, both vegans, we both somehow do things that make sense. He has already paid off $90,000 in his student debts working a part-time job only. Like holy fuck. I'm surprised I have friends that have less than half that much college debt, and who earn more, and still have not paid off their debts.

I actually chose to drop out of my first year of school in 2013, because I got $35,000 debt my first year in college, which my parents paid off. My parents told me not to worry about school payments because they would take care of it, but they worked poor jobs that barely paid anything (still do), and I know they could not handle my debts if it went to over $140,000, and it would have after 4 years. So I dropped out, because I could not handle those kinds of debts, neither could my parents. But that was my thinking at the time. My friend who only worked a part-time job, paid his off before he graduated.

The rest of the day after doing those chores, was a waste. I told my friend I was going to be working on a new feature for one of my projects, and it was only around 10 AM so I was pretty hyped for the rest of the day. I figured I'd be done by 3 PM and I'd go out to the mall, browse around, and go to La Frutera and get some fruit salads and fruit drinks. I love that place. So Wal-Mart sells these cut up fruit salads, like melon fruit, cantaloupe, pineapple, all cut up in this one bowl for like $10. That's freaking expensive. La Frutera is a small vendor in Wal-Mart that sells a more diverse variety of fruits like coconut, pineapple, I don't even know. But it's a bunch of fruits, like 10 fruits, in one bowl and it's only like $5, which is a lot cheaper. I love that so much, I get it and it's worth it.

Anyway that was my plan for the day. I would work on this new feature, release it, and then go to the mall and especially get a fruit salad and fruit drink. Oh their drink has solid fruit in it, it's like a smoothie sorbet with solid fruits inside, and that's the best too. That and the fruit salad are a meal. It's $9 roughly for both, and that filled me up that one day I got it last week. I forgot to write the entry for that day, but I went to Wal-Mart, bought another desk, and while waiting 30 minutes for the Uber guy to arrive, I bought both of those things and didn't eat them at Wal-Mart because there was no place to sit, but I ate them when I got home and it filled me up. That's was a delicious, healthy meal, very different from the normal rice and beans I ate on the daily.

What ended up happening instead, is I cooked up some rice and beans, and then I watched some videos on my computer, sports documentaries that I really enjoyed years ago. It's weird, one of them I watched is one of my favorites and I checked the IMDB rating and it was like a 6, like wtf. I couldn't believe anyone disliked it. I read some of the reviews though and I laughed at some of them recalling the clips, yes, that is what it was like at some points. I guess it did suck at certain parts, but I still liked it because of how educational and motivating it was for me in my current situation.

Feeling all goody-goody, I just kept on watching these educational movies I've already seen before, but just wanted to learn more from them again. I ate some of my brown rice and 16-bean mix while watching, and it tasted so delicious. I've been eating this stuff daily for the past month roughly, basically every meal, and it never gets boring, also I can add different spices and seasonings and sauces, changing up the flavor each time. Before I knew it, the time was 1 PM. Yeah, it was 1 PM. The time quickly went.

Instead of actually working on anything, I was like, "let's take a break" (a break from what??) and I decided to turn on my Windows PC and play some Dishonored for a bit. So I played that for a bit. And then at around 2 PM, I pleasured myself which drained me of energy. I was like, ok let's go out at 3 PM, but at 3 PM I took a nap, and I woke up at around 4. By then it was already a little bit dark out, and the mall closes at 7 I think, and driving to and from takes about an hour, so I was like screw it.

I just played Dishonored the rest of the day, and I pleasured myself again before going to sleep. Yes I have probably done this 2 times a day for the past few weeks. It's not a good habit. It's my most self-destructive habit I still am trying to get rid of. I may have done it 3 times today actually, it may have been the first thing I did when waking up, and then I did it again at 2 PM, and then again right before sleeping. I just have total privacy at home, I can do whatever I want, I get bored, get horny, that happens. It's not a good thing.

I also signed up for Tinder too since Friday, and I got 3 matches in around 48 hours which is nothing. I don't know if I can do Tinder actually. I'm looking through the pictures and descriptions of some of my matches and they are pretty serious. I think they want a long-term relationship, maybe even marriage. I can't freaking commit to that. I texted another friend about my uncertainty with dating and commitment, and he said to just bang and leave, which is what he does. For me, maybe it's due to pleasuring myself so much, but I don't feel as enamoured by women, relationships, marriage, as before. A few years back I wanted to get married right away, I would fall in love with women and be so committed.

Not today, not anymore. I realized how massive the world is and how many women are everywhere. Back in high school, college, etc, it was such a small world, or it seemed that way. Like ah, here's the hottest woman in the world, right here in my school. On my Tinder, I'm liking every women I go through basically, around 100 a day, and I'm like, wow there's a lot of women. A lot. And basically 99% of all relationships end, 50% of people divorce, and with sports athletes it's more like to 80% of them divorce. I'm just not feeling so lustful and enamoured as before. Actually just last month, I had abstained from pleasuring myself for about 3 days, and I was so extremely lustful and enamoured by everyone I encountered, I was so horny.

Now I'm feeling so drained. I'm feeling the opposite of horny. I'm craving that fruit salad and fruit drink hard. It was so good. I'm going to try and see how long I can abstain pleasuring myself for and any benefits that brings. It should bring my enamourness back, but I'll still abstain from getting into any relationships probably. I've pleasured myself to the peaks of my imagination already, which I always say I do, because I do. Of course the things I imagine never get boring, I am actually getting myself enamoured just by thinking of what I imagined. I'm not going to take my shorts off though. As long as they stay on, I can't touch myself.

I played Dishonored the rest of the day until 10 PM when I went to sleep, pleasuring myself one last time before going to sleep too. I started the game again from scratch, because I was trying to complete the game with no-kill and no-detection, this is how I complete all my games that have this option (Undertale, Deus Ex, etc). I feel like it's the way I would personally do these kinds of missions in real life. Anyway one of the earlier missions in the game, I made the wrong choice of doing this optional side-quest, and that lead to this unavoidable kill mission later on, where I had to kill one character or another, and there was no way around it. So I had to restart and ignore that side-quest this time so I could avoid that kill mission.

I had to do some strength workouts today, but I felt so tired and demotivated, probably from pleasuring myself so many times. I actually skipped this entire week of strength workouts. I've noticeably started to look much better from just doing one week's worth of strength exercises too, and I've dropped 1 pound from 214 to 213 pounds now in a week and a half. I'm 213 pounds now which is not bad. Anyway I have start doing the exercises again.

Anyway that was my whole day today. Very productive for the first few hours, but then it just went downhill after a while. I'm probably going to delete my whole account on Tinder.

Written by JustMegawatt

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Posted On Apr 06, 2021

Well at least you can tell when your behavior is becoming problematic and then you can change it based on how you want to be. I know it's not like I could just say "don't be horny" because that won't work unfortunately. Gotta get back to working out! You could try replacing that activity with working out- whenever you feel the urge maybe make yourself do a set of pushups or crunches or something until you stop thinking about it and the urge passes?

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